Top 1200 Quotes & Sayings by Famous Comedians - Page 4

My parents used to throw great New Year's Eve parties. They invited such an eclectic mix of showbiz people. All those cool people were always hanging out at our apartment.

Claudia Winkleman is a good laugh and James Corden too.

The transgender bathroom thing - it's just so obvious that people are scared of what they don't understand. It's like, 'I don't want to deal with the fact that some people might have been born in the wrong body.'

I always thought I was a good person, a decent person. I never harassed anyone or touched anyone. And you say to yourself , 'Oh, that's good enough,' but yes, I had certain jokes that I always assumed the audience would understand. This is Persona.

Truth can be a matter of perspective, but I also think there's a truth that exists, that there are laws to the universe the way Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King believed.

What can cake teach you about life? That practice makes perfect, and if you try something once, it probably won't be perfect, and you have to keep working on it if you want to be good at it.

There is nothing like a live performance. You can look at things on television, and you can look at things on YouTube, but when you get in a room full of people and you say one joke, and everyone's laughing at the same thing, it's a really great experience.

Me and my sister made up a game called 'Milky Cow'. We were on holiday in France when I was 12, and there was a kid who had bovine features, and every time we went past her, we'd say, 'There's Milky Cow'.

I love music, and playing ukulele and singing makes me really happy.

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

I have a certain sympathy with politicians having lived with one. I've seen how no matter how earnest or driven or energetic they are, it's still difficult to change things. I have been encouraged to go into politics, but I don't think I could make a contribution, it suits me better to be sniping from the sidelines.

I saw a dog in a cage. And that cage had a sign on it that said, 'I bite.' And I was like, 'That is good to know doggy, but that's not the most important thing about you. You should make a sign that says, 'I make signs.''

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.

My mum's amazing. She's the person I admire most, I think, in her sacrifice to me and my sister and her level of emotional sacrifice to people around her. She takes a high level of personal responsibility for the welfare of people around her.

I had a brief stint as 'People's Journalist' for the West Sussex Gazette; I'd do golden-wedding anniversaries and pet deaths. I was always looking for an angle; it wasn't great.

Anyone who bombs is my friend.

This business is ephemeral, and you have to maintain a healthy cynicism about it. There's a 'flavour of the month' aspect to it, so you have to keep moving on and mutating.

Don't judge me. I made a lot of money.

I'm into politics - I'm interested in the election and how pissed off people get.

Part of the problem of comedians doing specials every year - when the masters do it, it's like, 'Okay, I guess, go for it' - but when people aren't at the top of the top level, bits don't get to cook long enough.

My favorite movies were 'Singin' in the Rain' and stuff that had a more classic comedy type feel, that more slapsticky stuff. It's the comedy I've gravitated towards.

People on the street comment on how handsome I am. You know, people stop and say how angular my face is.

I heard from Stephen Sondheim, who has become a great supporter of mine. There was no one bigger when I was growing up.

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

The easiest way to win the competition for eyeballs in the digital age is to broadcast bad behavior. People like watching train wrecks.

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

Spending $40,000 on shoes is downright ignorant.

The strange thing about people considering me upbeat is that I'm really not.

I want my funeral to be uncomfortably quiet.

I don't work with anyone. I have no editors. I have no directors. There's no one even holding the camera or anything. It's just me in my apartment.

I remember Tim Meadows gave me a radio. It was a radio he didn't want anymore. I gave it to my grandmother, and she had it 'til the day she died. To me, it was, 'I got a thing from Tim Meadows!' I think my grandmother was like, 'I got a thing from my grandson!'

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

I find this proposed amendment very, very, very, very shocking. And immoral. And, you know, if civil disobedience is the way to go about change, then I think a lot of people will be going to San Francisco.

The mind does different things in performance, and conscious thought sometimes takes a backseat.

I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

One night I went to this comedy club and paid a hard-earned $5 to get in, and every comic that came up was dry as an old turkey wishbone, as in not even close to being funny. When you're broke and you pay $5 to see somebody, you want them to be funny.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I'm the guy who spends 15 minutes staring out of the window wondering what to have for lunch.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Ten years ago, I went to visit my dad in Australia. I walked to the edge of a cliff and looked over and tripped. I righted myself but my head was over the edge. No one saw it.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

Love is a promise delivered already broken.

I have come to understand that my hatred of the gym was based on fear and prejudice, a tribal resistance to science, to improvement. But to ignore my aging physicality and not try and become the strongest and fittest I can be is curmudgeonly at best and wilfully ignorant at worst.

This country is pretty amazing.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

If you really think you have something good, you can't take no for an answer. You've got to get in there and ignore the people who say no.

We made this movie for $17, and nobody got anything. So it never dawned on me that we would get real people.

I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.

I love living in Birmingham, it's just a lovely gentle life, and it's calm. And it's full of Brummies who I find hilarious.

Being pretty... I'm just confused about it. I mean, I love getting my nails done, but I also like dressing like a boy. I think I feel most myself when I'm mixing femininity and masculinity. Like, fifty-fifty.

My parenting heroes are the Obamas! They've been married for so long, and it looks like they're having fun, and their kids are down to earth, well-adjusted, and smart. They seem to have a strong family unit that I would like to emulate in my life.

Muhammad Ali struck us in the middle of America's darkest night, in the heart of its most threatening gathering storm. His power toppled the mightiest of foes, and his intense light shined on America, and we were able to see clearly injustice, inequality, poverty, pride, self realization, courage, laughter, love, joy and religious freedom for all.

In the beginning, when I was doing my shows, I was incorporating a lot of Spanish, just trying to be a Latino comic instead of just a comic. Now I try to make the show as broad as possible... I don't want to alienate people. I want to make it so everybody can follow along and everybody can relate.