A Quote by Al Franken

Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written "Today I will masterbate--if I want to! — © Al Franken
Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written "Today I will masterbate--if I want to!
I masterbate in the shower. My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League.
Just for today, I will let go of anger. Just for today, I will let go of worry. Today, I will count my many blessings. Today, I will do my work honestly. Today, I will be kind to every living creature.
The one thing we can count on is that time will pass; day will become night, and the sunrise will bring with it a new tomorrow. What you are doing with these precious moments TODAY is creating your tomorrow. How you spend today is the greatest measure of who you are becoming, and the life you will be living. My question to you is: what will YOU do today to become the person you need to be to create the extraordinary life you deserve?
Your corn is ripe today; mine will be so tomorrow. 'Tis profitable for us both, that I should labour with you today, and that you should aid me tomorrow.
Today somebody is suffering, today somebody is in the street, today somebody is hungry. ... We have only today to make Jesus known, loved, served, fed, clothed, sheltered. Do not wait for tomorrow. Tomorrow we will not have them if we do not feed them today.
Your corn is ripe today, mine will be so tomorrow. 'Tis profitable for us both that I should labor with you today, and that you should aid me tomorrow. I have no kindness for you, and know you have as little for me. I will not, therefore, take any pains upon your account . . . Here then I leave you to labor alone; you treat me in the same manner. The seasons change, and both of us lose our harvests for want of mutual confidence and security.
The will of God for your life is simply that you submit yourself to Him each day and say, 'Father, Your will for today is mine. You lead me today and I will follow.
Today I will be a successful sales professional, and I will learn something today that will make me even more professional tomorrow.
You don't have to reinvent the wheel every day. Today you will do what you did yesterday, and tomorrow you will do what you did today. Eventually you will get somewhere.
What will you do now?' I think I will become a monk and devote my entire life to prayer and good works.' No,' said Rek. 'I mean, what will you do today?' Ah! Today I'll get drunk and go whoring,' said Bowman.
You will find that hardly a soul who will say that it was a bad thing. Almost everybody will say it was a good thing. 'But what about today? Do you think we should have free immigration?' 'Oh, no,' they'll say, 'We couldn't possibly have free immigration today. Why, that would flood us with immigrants from India, and God knows where. We'd be driven down to a bare subsistence level.'
Till I get bored, I can eat. Suddenly one day, I will decide, 'Okay, today I will eat.' Then, I dance.
Today never feels like it will be history, but it will. And more likely than not, you will look back and realize that you should have known.
I refuse to believe today will be just another day in my life. All that I am. All that I will become will be written through my thoughts and my actions. I've conditioned my mind. Trained my body. Sacrificed my soul. There will be obstacles. Doubters. Mistakes. But nothing comes to those who wait. Every champion was once a contender that refused to give up.
There will never again be a day exactly like today. There will never again be a moment exactly like this moment. After my next birthday, I will never again be the age I am right now. After midnight tonight, today will be part of history. Someday I'll be dying and I'll wish I'd done all the things I want to do now. Someday I'll be dead and I won't be able to do anything. But today, right now, I'm alive. And yet I'm writing nonsense on the back of my literature book. But I'm alive. And yet I'm just sitting here. But I'm alive.
The Marine Corps has been, and will continue to be, America's Expeditionary Force in Readiness - ready to respond to today's crisis, with today's Marine forces, today.
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