A Quote by Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
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We were a single-parent household for a while. It was just my mom, me, and my brother. We were on welfare for about a year and a half. But I remember my mom never complained, and we never wanted for anything. She always made ends meet and she's been the rock for the family. She instilled in me work ethic and toughness.
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.
Emma was no asleep, she was pretending to be asleep; and, while he was dozing off at her side, she lay awake, dreaming other dreams.
Just for a while": Death's opening chat-up line in His great seduction, before he drugged you with soporific comforts, distracted you with minor luxuries and ensnared you with long-term payment plans. Join the Rat Race "just for a while." Concentrate on your career "just for a while." Move in with your girlfriend "just for a while." Find a bigger place, out in the burbs "just for a while." Lie down in that wooden box "just for a while.
My mother was a single mom, and she was a claims adjuster at an insurance company. She actually dropped out of school - she was going to become a registered nurse - because she had to take care of me and my brother.
My brother Trevor is theatrically trained. I used to watch him when I was younger and I was in love with it. It just seemed really fun to be someone else. So I begged my mom; she was hesitant, but she eventually allowed me. And it turned out well, I guess.
I remember I was, like, 6 years old when I found out that I was having a little brother, and I was wishing and wishing for a sister. When my mom came out and my dad, and they're like, 'It's a boy,' Spencer, my twin brother, is cheering and jumping up and down, and then I burst into tears. I was so sad. I was crying.
Her daddy drank all day and mommy did drugs, never wanted to play or give kisses and hugs. She'd watch the TV and sit there on the couch, while her mom fell asleep and her daddy went out.
My mom and dad both worked when I was little... My mom, her mom died when she was 11, so she had a rough childhood as well. She put herself through college in three years at the University of Texas - while working a job to pay for it.
They couldn't wait to get me out. My dad found my place, my mom helped me pack, and my brother was making architectural plans for my bedroom. It was just what you do at 18.
I usually think to do pep talks on Twitter if I'm on the road, at home and my girlfriend is out of town, or if I'm at home and up later then my girlfriend and our dog Bizzy - like, if they're both asleep but I'm kind of wired.
My dad's a filmmaker, and my mom's an actress. She was the original understudy, actually, for Harper in 'Angels in America' and did the show for about several months while she was pregnant with my older brother. And so I grew up obsessed with film and filmmaking.
I have a girlfriend. I give my heart to her. She's around, she's everywhere, we travel together. She's beautiful, she's gorgeous, she's everything you want in a woman. She doesn't complain.. but I can tune her out just enough.
I thought [first girlfriend] was trying to make a fool out of me. Then I found out that she wasn't, and we went out. That's a very good example of how little confidence I had.
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