A Quote by Demetri Martin
How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.
Related Quotes
NBC had a show called 'The Toughest Bouncer in America' that I did. But I told them I didn't like that term, 'bouncer.' To me, it's offensive. A bouncer likes to get physical, likes to put his hands on people.
I was a bouncer for, like, three months in Boston until everybody figured out that I should never be a bouncer. I'm so soft. I just have no aggression in me.
? top up position down The fact that I suspect I'm an asshole means I probably am not, because a real asshole doesn't think he's an asshole, does he? Therefore, by realizing that I'm an asshole, I am in fact negating that very realization, am I not? Descartes's Asshole Axiom: I think I am; therefor I'm not one.
I know that asshole you were with in college --” “Can we leave that asshole out of it?” Please, gentlemen, one asshole at a time.
If you're an asshole, you have an excuse for being an asshole because you're a junkie. But then once you give up the drugs, and you're still an asshole, that's problematic.
When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
Don’t flirt, have sex, or engage in emotional affairs with your friends’ significant others. This shouldn’t need to be said, but it needs to be said. That significant other is an asshole, and you don’t want to be involved with an asshole who’s used goods. If you want to be with an asshole, get a fresh asshole of your very own. They are abundant.
How can you stand to have me near you?" "The only thing I can't handle is your leaving.
A door that seems to stand open must be of a man's size, or it is not the door that providence means for him.
Oh, baby, this ain’t asshole. Trust me. There’s a whole keg of asshole I haven’t even begun to tap yet.
Bitten? You mean you're a-" "A werewolf," said the girl. "Like everyone else here. Except you, and the asshole. And the asshole's sister.
How very near us stand the two vast gulfs of time, the past and the future, in which all things disappear.
If you're driving your car and someone winds the window down and gives you the finger and calls you an asshole, instead of giving him the finger back and calling him an asshole back, you just pull a funny face, and he doesn't know how to react to that, because you're using different rules.
Maybe God is an asshole...of course not, he's not an asshole, he's imaginary.
In accordance to the way that Benn speaks, he is not educated. Sure, he's educated to a certain extent, but under different circumstances he would be a bouncer on some door in the West End and he'd have three kids from three different women... I am a superior person to that. I have finer points.
In Germany, people are saying, "George W. Bush is an asshole. Osama Bin Laden is an asshole." But then I make jokes about Auschwitz, and how the Germans are lederhosen-wearing sausage freaks - and they hate me for this! And I'm like, "You all are sitting there because you want to relax and have a nice evening, and now you're pissed because I put also a mirror in front of you."
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