A Quote by Dolores O'Riordan
I got to a point where I referred to myself as Dolores of the Cranberries instead of myself because I alienated my real self from what I became so much.
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The third doorway is the Doorway of Unconditional Self-love, which corresponds to the energy center located in the solar plexus area. As I said earlier, the key to feeling love and living in love is having self-love. I mean real unconditional self-love, not "I love myself because I'm a good wife" or "I love myself because I do a good job at work" or "I love myself because I look a particular way." It's because I love myself no matter what. That's where our real power lies, in the ability to love ourselves unconditionally.
I know now that much of the pressure that resulted in my breakdown was self-imposed. I didn't let myself enjoy the opportunities I was given, choosing instead to doubt myself.
I remember the audition process for Xena: Warrior Princess; I was driving there and I was listening to The Cranberries' "Dreams," so I was thinking of that audition again recently with the sudden passing of Dolores O'Riordan, Cranberries singer. And I remember that song, I was like, "Okay, I can do anything" as I was driving onto the lot at Universal.
I was my own Peeping Tom. Because of the absence of people I could do anything, and if it wasn't good I could destroy it without damaging myself in the presence of others. In that sense I was my own clay. I formulated myself, I mated with myself, and I gave birth to myself. And my real self was the product - the polaroids.
Its funny because when I did feel like I came out and I just felt like I was being truthful to myself, (it was at) that point I became very successful. So you know, it took a true kind of facing that truth of myself and being honest, that was when the real kind of fame or whatever that kind of stuff happened for me.
As a youth, I hated myself for not being good enough. All my inadequacies and failures, not being kind enough, generous or understanding enough, would assail me at night. It became a habit to be guilty and self castigating, not liking myself because I was unworthy... I really tortured myself.
When i was younger I was much more self focussed. I was worried about my self-image. I thought I was too fat. I was very critical of myself, and then I met and got to know and understand my husband. He helped me turn myself around. He had such a positive attitude towards life.
I have to go through that arc with Dolores, and I didn't know what my arc was going to be. We found out episode by episode, and the more it went on, the more I felt a change in myself and allowed myself to be strong and to get angry and to access emotions that I don't normally, and I think a lot of women don't because we're kind of conditioned not to. It's freed me in a way, and it made me find a strength in myself.
I love myself. Because I'm all that I have and if I don't love myself, no one else will. Whenever I feel myself starting to dislike something I tell myself, "This is who I am," so what's the point in disliking it?
All I can tell you with certainty is that I, for one, have no self, and that I am unwilling or unable to perpetrate upon myself the joke of a self. What I have instead is a variety of impersonations I can do, and not only of myself - a troupe of players that I have internalised, a permanent company of actors that I can call upon when a self is required. I am a theater and nothing more than a theater.
The deeper I go into myself, the stronger I become, because I realize that my real self is much bigger than any fear.
So when it comes to being a role model to women, I think it's because of the way that I feel about myself, and the way that I treat myself. I am a woman, I treat myself with respect and I love myself, and I think that if I'm holding myself to a certain esteem and keeping it real with myself, then that's going to translate to people like me.
I don't know what in the hell's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job. He's showing up everywhere. Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We'll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What do you got grapes? How about cran-grape. What do you got mangos? Cran-mango. What do you got pork chops? Cran-chops. Why don't you back off, cran-man. Why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation.
I got to a point where I thought, now I have a choice. I can stay in theatre, or I can challenge myself and give this a go. And I want to challenge myself. I like to scare myself.
I've also learned to no longer feel guilty if I'm invited out and don't want to go. If I start to say to myself, 'What's wrong with you that you're staying in five nights in a row to watch 'Forensic Files' instead of going out with your friends' I remind myself that it's what I need to do for myself at that point.
You can only be your best self. When I initially got on the air, I would look around me and watch people that I thought were really good and try to be like they were. And I got to a point where I realized, "I can't be them." I can only be the best that Abby can be. And as long as I'm myself and I'm genuine and I'm real, then I think that's all you can do.
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