I saw everyone else as 'normal' and myself as messed up in a way. And all of that made me so angry. Stealing allowed me to take my anger out on something else.
He gave me a look at myself I've never had before. He saw something in me nobody else ever did. He made me see it too. He made me believe it.
Anger at happenstance for its absurd timing. Anger at myself for being so angry. I hate being angry and every time I got this angry it made me more angry at the fact that I was so angry. I realized though that I couldn't really be mad at any of those things.
If I see any sort of injustice, I can fight like a dog. I'm not frightened to be outspoken and I can get very angry. I think expressing anger is not something that's considered very feminine... or British! If I saw someone slandered in the press... libel is something I really loathe. So, I probably would speak out about that, whether it was about myself or someone else.
I'm tired of being what everyone else has made me," I said. "I want to be myself." "Don't be a child." I looked up, startled and angry, though of course there was nothing to see. "What?" "You are what your creators and experiences have made you, like every other being in this universe. Accept that and be done; I'm tired of your whining.
God is the one goal of all our passions and emotions. If you want to be angry, be angry with Him. Chide your Beloved, chide your Friend. Whom else can you safely chide? Mortal man will not patiently put up with your anger; there will be a reaction. If you are angry with me I am sure quickly to react, because I cannot patiently put up with your anger. Say unto the Beloved, "Why do You not come to me; why do You leave me thus alone?" Where is there any enjoyment but in Him? What enjoyment can there be in little clods of earth?
I have to go through that arc with Dolores, and I didn't know what my arc was going to be. We found out episode by episode, and the more it went on, the more I felt a change in myself and allowed myself to be strong and to get angry and to access emotions that I don't normally, and I think a lot of women don't because we're kind of conditioned not to. It's freed me in a way, and it made me find a strength in myself.
My theory is that I'm just closer to the sun than everyone else. I weigh more than everyone else, I'm taller than everyone else. When it's really humid and hot outside it's going to take a bigger toll on me.
I'm not trying to get approval from anyone else. No one's approval matters to me - what matters is making myself happy for myself and no one else. And if I look good to someone else, I hope they take me as inspiration or whatever they want.
I usually played out and out heavies. No one else 'saw' me in any other role. No one else had ever believed I could be anything but a heavy. It was a heavy in a picture with Clara Kimball Young that June Mathis saw me and decided to cast me as Julio. 'There is the man for Julio,' she said, 'He, and no one other.'
I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?
Do I really smother my own joy because I believe that anger achieves more than love? That Satan's way is more powerful, more practical, more fulfilling in my daily life than Jesus' way? WHy else get angry? Isn't it because I think complaining, exasperation, resentment will pound me up into the full life I really want? When I choose-and it is a choice-to crush joy with bitterness, am I not purposefully choosing to take the way of the Prince of Darkness? Choosing the angry way of Lucifer because I think it is more effective-more expedient-than giving thanks?
But what I thought, and what I still think, and always will, is that she saw me. Nobody else has ever seen me — me, Jenny Gluckstein — like that. Not my parents, not Julian, not even Meena. Love is one thing — recognition is something else.
Female rage is not often acknowledged - never mind written about - so one of the questions I'm asking is, 'Are you allowed to be this angry as you grow older as a woman?' But I'm also trying to trace where my anger came from. Who made me the person that is still so raw and angry? I think that it's empowering to ask that question.
One of the great flaws that we all share is that we think everyone else is cooler, everyone else is sexier; everyone else has all the answers. That was me too.
My whole life I've been the one to look myself in the mirror whenever everyone else is doubting me. I'm the one that had the most confidence in myself and I always betted on myself, and it's worked out for me each and every time.
Something else that makes me angry is that I got too old to prostitute myself. I wasn't going to anyway but it was there, it was my Z plan.