A Quote by Jay Leno
I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke but I don't want to get audited by the IRS.
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I get audited almost every year.And in a way, I should be complaining. I'm not even complaining. I don't mind it. It's almost become a way of life. I get audited by the IRS. But other people don't.
What you never want to do is have a story that doesn't track emotionally, because then you're going joke to joke and you're going to fatigue the audience. The only thing that's going to string them to the next joke is how successful the previous joke is.
I have friends that are very wealthy, and I said, do you get audited? They don't even know what I'm talking about. They have never been audited. Why am I audited every single year? And until the audit is completed, obviously, I wouldn't show anything. I will show it as soon as it's completed. I have nothing to hide.
Most voters would rather have their purse or wallet stolen than be audited by the IRS.
Obama's IRS is not the IRS I've ever known for over seventy years as an American citizen.
I'm a Republican, but if I had my choice of running or having Obama - or somebody, but Obama, even Barack Obama - be a great president, the greatest president ever, I'd be so happy for the country. He doesn't have the capability to be a great president, and the world is laughing. We're like a joke. As a country, we're becoming like a joke. Everybody is ripping us off.
The IRS says it's been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS's ability to threaten people.
Do you know who will be in charge of health care? The IRS. You thought getting audited was bad? Wait until your next prostate exam.
In fact, presidents and vice presidents are automatically audited by the IRS, which hasn't stopped other chief executives from making them public.
Obama recently warned some college graduates against being all worried about government tyranny, and Obama has good reason to warn you against that because worrying about government tyranny is the exact sort of thing that will get you audited. Or, when Obamacare is in full force, it will be the attitude that gets you denied life saving health care. So have faith in government. Or it will get you.
The night before we began shooting 'Hooper,' I threw a $7,000 bash for the whole crew. I told them, 'Get as drunk as you want tonight, because for the next month and a half you're going to be working your tails off.' And it worked.
Looking back at my school reports, I start off as quite a swotty kid, and then when I get to 12 or 13, my teachers start saying: 'Lee has started to joke around a lot in class.' After that, it's a steady graph of decline, with the jokes increasing and increasing.
Now, I want to explain something to you guys. I don't have an ending joke, because I don't tell jokes. I tell real-life stories and make them funny. So, I'm not like the average comedian. They have an ending joke; they always holler Peace! I'm out of here, and walk off stage. So, basically, when I get through performing on stage, I just walk off.
Big night of television tonight for Barack Obama. Earlier tonight, Barack Obama aired a half-hour infomercial to attract more voters. Yeah. Yeah, and apparently, if you watched the entire infomercial, Barack threw in a free set of Ginsu knives for you.
I would get mad if Kobe was like, 'I'm not going to shoot that much tonight.' No, no, no, that's your gift. The people want to see you do what you're going to do.
Some street jokes are just timeless. There's an old street joke about comedians. The joke is that a beautiful girl comes up to a comedian at the end of the night and says, "I saw your show tonight, and I just loved it. I want to go home with you, and I'll do anything you want." And the comedian says, "Were you at the 7 or the 9?" That's just a perfect joke, because it points out how egomaniacal and obsessive comedians are. Even though I'm not waiting for a groupie, I can completely understand it. It just defines how comedians are driven.
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