A Quote by Jenny Han
I don't plan anything out, and I don't write in chronological order. The emotional tenor is what guides me, but a lot of it is feeling my way through the dark. That's okay if you have unlimited time to work and stumble upon things in a delightful way, but under a deadline, it can be really stressful.
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I almost always write everything the way it comes out, except I tend much more to take things out rather than put things in. It's out of a desire to really show what's going on at all times, how things smell and look, as well as from the knowledge that I don't want to push things too quickly through to climax; if I do, it won't mean anything. Everything has to be earned, and it takes a lot of work to earn.
Honest people remember stories in the order of emotional prominence, but liars will recount a story in chronological order. Memory rarely works that way.
I write in spurts. I write when I have to because the pressure builds up and I feel enough confidence that something has matured in my head and I can write it down. But once something is really under way, I don't want to do anything else. I don't go out, much of the time I forget to eat, I sleep very little. It's a very undisciplined way of working and makes me not very prolific. But I'm too interested in many other things.
Because if you're trying to write and you have unlimited time, you can procrastinate an unlimited account, but if you have limited time, you rush to the page trying to get something down in the little bit of fragment of time that you have, and you may write a great deal that way.
Different things work for different people. One thing I've realized, though, is that the work that I've done on myself outside of my work as an actress has really allowed me to open up my mind. I think I understand my emotional state and my complexities now in a much clearer way, and I can put them to rest in a way that there's almost a catharsis that happens through the work, where I can do it and then find myself again.
I'm finding things out about myself as a person - as a writer - as I write, and so are the people who listen to what I do. But they have this additional aspect of how they take the stuff that I do, and so it broadens the work and it creates this strange connection. It's really a way of strangers communicating through this third thing, which is a body of work. But really, I know it's a cliché to say I write for myself, but I write for myself.
When you balance it against New Order, New Order don't work or tour relentlessly. We definitely work in our own way and sometimes it's a bit too slow for me, so I like to plan ahead and fill my time up.
My mom has kind of been more of the emotional support system. One time I was really feeling all out of it, just dealing with a lot of cooks in the kitchen and adjusting to what it means to be in the music industry, and I called her. One of the first things she said to me was 'You have to be thankful that these people even like you, no one liked me, at all, I was not really accepted for a very long time.'
I've spent a lot of time self-reflecting. Especially as an actor, you have to know yourself really well in order to do things effectively. And when I dress, I dress for me. I don't dress to make other people think that I'm this way or that way.
My writing isn't actually guided by issues. I know it seems that way, but I don't sit down and think, Oh, there's this issue I'm bothered about. I only write about things that directly impact my life. When I write, there's a pain that I have to reach, and a release I have to work toward for myself. So it's really a question of the particular emotional circumstance that I want to express, a character that appears, a moment in time, and then I write the play backwards.
For me, 2016-17 was hell, and there's no way around it for me. I went through pain, depression, fear, doubt, and all of that was a journey that I was able to write through, and then I wrote when I was coming out of that dark place as well.
I think a lot of women feel so obligated right now to do so many different things that they don't really stop and think what do they want and it's okay not be anything. It's okay not to have a big career. It's okay not to have children. It's much better to figure out what you really want. What really makes you happy instead of what everybody else wanted for you.
I write poetry to figure things out. It's what I use as a navigating tool in my life, so when there's something that I just can't understand, I have to "poem" my way through it. For that reason I write a lot about family, because my family confuses me and I'm always trying to figure them out. I write a lot about love, because love is continually confusing in all of its many glorious aspects.
I take things very seriously, and I give myself time to come down and to ramp up, and it's an inside spiritual journey for me. I feel like acting is a way of feeling your personality, and it's really special. Special to have this kind of effect on people. You can only have that effect if you're really outside of yourself. You can't look at yourself and do what I do at the same time. I have done it that way in the past, but it doesn't really work. I can only soar within the parameters of time, and I use music analogies.
YouTube viewers essentially curate their own content, so you could form your playlist to watch 'H+' through the eyes of one character, in chronological order, in reverse-chronological order, by geographic location. Our hope is that audiences take 'H+' into their own hands.
I cannot tell you how many times guides have said to me, "Please tell them to stop praying to me. I can't make things happen. I can't protect them from going through challenging experiences. These are experiences their soul has chosen to go through. I'm here to keep them on their path, but I don't want them to give me all this attention or power or focus." Realistically, the guides I work with are really encouraging people to find their inner voice.
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