A Quote by Joan Rivers
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Related Quotes
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
There was no question of ever sending us to Jewish schools... They wanted us out there. They wanted us to be lawyers and doctors. They wanted us out of the religious thing, apart from that ethnic bonding.
A god who gave us everything we wanted would be the most malevolent god of all. With an infantile curiosity, we insist on tasting the cockroach on the floor while our father is preparing a magnificent feast for us.
If I had been literate, I wouldn't have sold drugs. I just wanted a job. I would have worked at McDonald's. And I would have put the same effort into the fries and mopping the floor that I would have put into drugs. I'm the kind of person that always wants to do a job the best I can. I don't believe in half-doing jobs.
I've never had a diamond before, and now I've got a diamond surrounded by other diamonds and diamonds in places where, frankly, you don't need diamonds at all, and I would have been happy with a piece of twine.
The trouble with a great many men is that they spread themselves out over too much ground. They fail in everything. If they would only put their life into one channel, and keep it in, they would accomplish something. They make no impression because they do a little work here and a little work there....Lay yourselves on the altar of God, and then concentrate on some one work.
I'll just do a round around of the house and make sure the rest of the family are fast asleep. We don't want that sharp-nosed aunt of yours catching us when we find the diamonds." "What diamonds?" "Think positive for once...Which would you rather, diamonds or the remains of a murdered maidservant? It's all a question of attitude.
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, we saved your grandson. The little Jewish Grandma says, He had a hat!
When I was little, whenever I got out of the shower, I never wanted to touch the floor because once you touch the floor, your feet are dirty again. So in the shower, I used to put my socks on already without drying them off.
When I was kid, yeah, my family, my parents wanted me to marry a Jewish girl because that was what they taught their children, and thought it would be an easier life for me to raise a Jewish kid. And I have a Jewish wife, I have a Jewish kid. They seem pretty happy about it.
If God had wanted us to play football in the sky, He'd have put grass up there.
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
I was 16 at the time, and I came backstage and started hanging out with them. I said, "Well, maybe you can 'vanish' the silk this way." The opening was a black stage while the "Magic to Do" song started playing. All you saw were hands, lit by Jules Fisher, and then Ben Vereen would appear beyond the hands, and at the end of the scene he would vanish a silk. The spotlight would hit a red spot on the floor where you'd see the silk on the floor. He'd pull the silk out of the floor and it became the entire set coming out of the floor.
As for us, He has appointed the job of permanent unemployment. If he wanted us to work, after all, He would not have created this wine. With a skinfull of this, Sir, would you rush out to commit economics?
You gotta get into some confrontations sometimes to get the right result on the floor, but I think the bulk of our membership wants us to work out problems before a bill comes to the floor.
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