A true Englishman doesn't joke when he is talking about so serious a thing as a wager.
When I'm writing columns, it's - all I'm thinking about is jokes, joke, joke, joke, setup, punch line, joke, joke, joke. And I really don't care where it goes.
It's about learning what's important and what's not important, and at the end of the day, what size you are does not matter at all. I don't have time to worry about that stuff; I'm going to be healthy.
It's important to be yourself. What art does for everyone, helps you understand yourself and in a distilled way, whether it's a painting or a scene in acting or a joke. It distills something about everyday life that can be important to you.
The U.K. and Europe in general seem to be a lot more patient. The U.S. are expecting 'joke joke joke joke joke joke joke.' They don't actually sit and listen to you.
Something is mighty wrong with our priorities when professing Christian men joke about their wives, joke about their children, and joke about God, but fight to the death over their favorite sports team.
It doesn't mean you can't discuss important things, but I would never do a joke about cancer, just because I don't think any joke is funny enough to justify upsetting someone who is going through that.
To have something which one particularly wants to do is more important than anything else. It is even more important than succeeding in that thing you want to do. In fact it does not matter if you fail, but it does matter that you do or do not want to do something.
It does matter where you go to church, it does matter where you worship, it does matter where you lift your head, it does matter where you cry out to God. There is something about the atmosphere. I might be lame, but put me in the atmosphere. I may be drunk, but put me in the atmosphere. I may be weak, but put me in the atmosphere.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"
What does it mean to dance? What does it mean to commit a crime? What does it mean to be anxious? What does it mean to tell a joke? The great thing about the French is that they have thought about these subjects in a great variety of ways and are a very articulate people.
The Englishman's strong point is his vigorous insularity; that of the American his power of adaptation. Each of these attitudes has its perils. The Englishman stands firmly on his feet, but he who merely does this never advances. The American's disposition is to step forward even at the risk of a fall.
I was desperate for new material, so anything I can write a joke about that works is in the act. No matter who it offends, or who it bothers - doesn't matter if its something my wife hates.
Man does not strive for happiness; only the Englishman does that.
Students need to decide, 'All right, well, does the height matter? Does the side of it matter? Does the color of the valve matter? What matters here?' - such an underrepresented question in math curriculum.
Twitter is a good medium to lean how to write jokes. It pushes you to write a better joke in that, on Twitter, the first joke about something has already happened. You need to think of the second joke and the third joke.