A Quote by Michael Tubbs
There had to be something more important than me being comfortable, me being OK, and me being that one person that made it from Stockton. That's why I decided to run for city council in 2012.
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I think what saved me is me being honest. I think I somewhow had the courage to do something and say something that I knew would possibly end my career. Instead of making business more important I made my soul and my life more important. And I think by being truthful, and being honest, that saved me.
I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me.
For me, coming into my own and being comfortable with myself really changed me as a person and made me more confident and vibrant.
I was not much afraid of punishment, I was only afraid of disgrace.But that I feared more than death, more than crime, more than anything in the world. I should have rejoiced if the earth had swallowed me up and stifled me in the abyss. But my invincible sense of shame prevailed over everything . It was my shame that made me impudent, and the more wickedly I behaved the bolder my fear of confession made me. I saw nothing but the horror of being found out, of being publicly proclaimed, to my face, as a thief, as a liar, and slanderer.
I was new, and it was like that movie "Mean Girls". This clique would tease me and make up rumors about me being gay. I don't even know why they did it. I came home crying one day and told my mom I couldn't be around them anymore. So we decided I would be homeschooled. I think it's important to check in with yourself and make sure you are being exactly who you want to be. When I am true to who I am, I'm a better girfriend. I'm just more happy being me.
When I was being honest with myself, I had to own that there was something about me that was drawing an energy in my life that left me feeling underserved and unfulfilled. I decided to grow. I decided to purge myself of anyone and anything that was not full of goodness, serving me or making me happy.
And what I was feeling was the wonder Of being more than me, of being more Than mere here and now allowed I had become a shining star, a burning nova Exploded with love Flying through an endlessly Expanding universe Away from the me that was Toward a me that is beyond Understanding.
My direction as a person working in film has been to never get comfortable with anything I was doing. At the time that I decided to do action films, people were telling me, "Well, you can't do it. You're not that type. It's not going to work." And so obviously that made me think, "Well, that's not comfortable. Maybe I should try it. What can I do with it?" So I did that, and I'm glad I did it. I'll probably do it again, and I did other kinds of things that seemed like challenges for me, because I like being on the high wire.
Being in the presence of the "other" seems to show me who I am in a way that is really important to me. I feel radically more comfortable in Laos, say, than I do in Pennsylvania.
Sometimes, being different feels a lot like being alone. But with that being said, being true to that and being true to my standards and my way of doing things in my art and my music, everything that has made me feel very different... in the end, it has made me the happiest.
And I desperately needed books that would take me out of my environment and show me a world where being smart and brave and prepared was more important than being cute or cheerful or knowing the right thing to say. And that's what science fiction and fantasy gave me.
Being a Barrymore didn't help me, other than giving me a great sense of pride and a strange spiritual sense that I felt OK about having the passion to act. It made sense because my whole family had done it and it helped rationalise it for me.
I think being a Catholic made me a better person. It taught me how to choose good over evil, and how to be a more caring human being.
Being pregnant taught me how to be a better writer. It was a lesson in negative capability and surrendering to necessity. Suddenly, my body instinctually yielded to the needs of this growing being, and I had no choice but to embrace what was happening and all that lay ahead, even if I was afraid and uncertain. So, while being a parent has made writing more challenging, it has also made being a writer more certain. There's no room to procrastinate; there is to time for fear.
What's important to me is love, especially that. What's important to me is growing and evolving. But ultimately, what's important to me is being real and being authentic. I've spent enough time in my life holding poses, playing roles.
I feel that modelling has groomed my personality and made me a confident person, but even today, when I go on the ramp, I get nervous. I am more comfortable being in front of the camera than walking on the ramp.
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