A Quote by Mitch Hedberg
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shi*, I had to be somewhere..."
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I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
You tell people that all the time, 'Jail's the worst place ever and you don't want to go there,' which is true but at the same time you see it's filled with a bunch of people like guy is drinking on a porch somewhere and he gets arrested for public intoxication. He's going to miss work. He's not a bad guy per se.
I'm not going to do anything out my way to try to get somebody to watch me because I want to act a buffoon. I want to build a character that I want my kids to look up to. It's OK to be the bad guy when it's time to be the bad guy, but to live and be the bad guy all day, every day? It's like, 'No, come on, man, you're making us look bad.'
Uh, excuse me, sir, I, uh, don't known how to uh, to uh, tell you this, but you were three minutes late. The schedule is a little, uh, bit off." He grinned sheepishly. "That's ridiculous!" murmured the Ticktockman behind his mask. "Check your watch." And then he went into his office, going mrmee, mrmee, mrmee, mrmee.
I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it's one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they're going to want something from me I can't give, or they're going to hurt me.
Every day, you learn something. That's the same as assistant coach and the same as a head coach. You should continue to learn. You watch so much basketball, you should see something somewhere from somebody different all the time.
When a poor person dies I want then to die in the arms of somebody who loves them. I want them to be able to look for the last time into the eyes of somebody who cares for them
I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. Its been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch TV. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.
I'm actually very ordinary, except people get to pay their money to come watch me work. The same way that we go to McDonald's.. we don't care about the guy behind the counter, but if he was doing something special, we'd pay our money to go watch him cook that hamburger.
When I have sat at home with this God-given talent for music for a long time, somebody approaches me out of the blue and asks me to play for them. It's almost as though there's a force somewhere which is saying 'no sittin' around, out you go!
I just wear black and gray all the time. If you Google Image me, you'll just see a bunch of black and gray. It's simple. If I like a shirt, I'll buy six or eight of them, wear them back-to-back, and just wait for somebody to say something. 'That's the same shirt you wore yesterday.' 'Yeah, but this one is fresh.'
If you want to liberate someone, love them.Not be in love with them - that's dangerous. If you're in love with your children, you're in their lives all the time. Leave them alone! Let them grow and make some mistakes. Tell them, "You can come home. My arms are here - and my mouth is too." When you really love them, you don't want to possess them. You don't say, "I love you and I want you here with me."
We are all hostages of time. We each have the same number of minutes and hours to live within a day, yet to me it didn't feel equally doled out. My illness brought me such an abundance of time that time was nearly all I had. My friends had so little time that I often wished I could give them what time I could not use. It was perplexing how in losing health I had gained something so coveted but to so little purpose.
I thought I had everything going for me. I wasn't listening to nobody. And my dad was like, 'Uh-uh, you can't make money from music. You have to be a doctor, a lawyer, engineer. Something that's going to do something for this world. Music doesn't do anything.' And I had to fight that, his passion, and fight the society that I was from.
I'm not going to make my bed perfectly every time. As much as my mom would want me to make it perfectly every time, if I got to get somewhere, I'm not going to make sure that pillow is just right. My toothbrush doesn't have to be in the same place every time. I'm not OCD about that stuff. When it comes to football, I want to be right on everything.
When you read a script, you don't want to be the same guy all the time, you want to change, you're a different person. That's why acting is a wonderful career. You're not the same guy all the time.
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