A Quote by Mitch Hedberg

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

Mitch Hedberg

Quote Topics

Because Even God Had Idea Joke Jokes Last Last Night Night No Idea Old Jokes Some Speakers Telling Thank Thank God Them Twice Up Which

Quote Author

Mitch Hedberg
American - Comedian
February 24, 1968 - March 30, 2005

I loved Omar Vizquel. He tells some really long jokes, and he has his own way of telling them, but he can make every joke very funny. He would always come up with jokes on the loudspeaker on the bus.

Steve Finley

I'd buy joke books and try doing them at school; I always had jokes. That would be my go-to thing at parties: I'd be able to get through them if I just told enough jokes. Otherwise, I wouldn't end up talking to anybody.

Drew Carey

He [Reagan] likes to tell jokes and that's why he told the ethnic joke that got him into some trouble. Perhaps if reporters didn't overreact to a politician's telling the very same joke they routinely hear and tell in the city room, we'd get more humor.

Robert Scheer

There's a lot of hypocrisy in audiences. I'd never dream of telling even on a nightclub stage, let alone my show, some of the jokes that are told in a lot of the living rooms from which we get those letters!

Johnny Carson

I have this very abstract idea in my head. I wouldn't even want to call it stand-up, because stand-up conjures in one's mind a comedian with a microphone standing onstage under a spotlight telling jokes to an audience. The direction I'm going in is eventually, you won't know if it's a joke or not.

Garry Shandling

I never really feel like just standing there and telling jokes. I want to move around. In fact, it's hard for me to write a joke where I don't end up on the ground for some reason. Hey, at least that way, I know no comics will steal my jokes. Too many bruises.

Chris D'Elia

I'm not good with jokes, no. I don't know a joke at all. I like being told jokes, but I can't tell one myself.

James DeGale

An artist shouldn't be judged by how many people like his art but by how pure and good it is - but I think that when you're telling jokes, which is more what I'm doing, if people aren't laughing, you're telling bad jokes.

Randall Munroe

In a weird way, it's not different from any other kind of joke-telling. You make those calculations about jokes about celebrities: is this a fair hit or not? The stakes were higher because the whole world was crumbling around us, but in terms of joke-telling, it's all about feel.

Michael Schur

The jokes I was always attracted to, and that I would tell for the longest, were jokes where I cared about the subject. Whenever I wrote a joke where I didn't care, even if it was really funny, the third time I told it, it would lose steam.

W. Kamau Bell

There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.

Demetri Martin

A lot of people get into stand-up as a back door into acting or something. But I really like writing jokes and telling jokes.

Ali Wong

Nobody calls me a racist when I do redneck jokes. Jeff Foxworthy can do as many 'You might be a redneck jokes' as he wants, but I'm telling you as soon as a guy like that does a black joke or something - 'How dare you!' I totally think it's unfair.

Carlos Mencia

I played the tour in 1967 and told jokes and nobody laughed. Then I won the Open the next year, told the same jokes, and everybody laughed like hell.

Lee Trevino

I love jokes, but God, jokes can go so wrong. I have stayed up many nights thinking, "F**k. I can't believe I made that silly little joke. That was a disaster."