A Quote by Norm MacDonald

I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, what are you, zero? And I'd go, no, I'm one over here!
We've got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn't matter with me now. Because I've been to the mountaintop. And I don't mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And he's allowed me to go up to the mountaintop. And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land.
I remember what it felt like when I was young, and I looked up to someone, and they would pay me just an ounce of attention. And some of the bands I listened to when I was young probably never even sold any albums, but it didn't matter to me. If I'd go up and say, 'Great show,' it would be amazing that they even would acknowledge me.
The thing to know about my brother was that even though he was fifteen, he looked to be about the same age as me. Only, I'm not sure if that was because he looked older or I looked younger. I like to think it was a healthy mixture of both.
I like Daniel. He takes care of you." I blinked. "Oh my God. Did you really just say that? He takes care of me?" Dad flushed. "I didn't mean it like-" "Takes care of me? Did I go to sleep and wake up in the nineteenth century?" I looked down at my jeans and T-shirt. "Ack! I can't go to school like this. Where's my corset? My bonnet?" Dad sighed as Mom walked in with her empty teacup. "What did I miss?" She said. "Dad's trying to marry me off to Daniel." I looked at him. "You know, if you offer him a new truck for a dowry, he might go for it.
A second later, when he looked up at me, we were face to face, and again, even under these circumstances, I was struck by how good looking he was, in that accidental, doesn't-even-know-it kind of way. Which only made it worse. Or better. Or whatever. "Yup", he said, as if there'd been any doubt, "you're in there, all right." "I was warned, too,"I told him, as he stood up. "I just saw that sculpture, and I got distracted." "The sculpture?" He looked at it, then at me. "Oh, right. Because you know it.
I wouldn't even say I'm really good at dancing, I'd just say I'm not shy to movement. At a young age, people would laugh at me moving. None of it looked like it should have been called a dance move. But it was just me being goofy.
Look!You want to see? See! Feast your eyes, glut your soul on my cursed ugliness! Look at Erik's face! Now you know the face of the voice! You were not content to hear me, eh? You wanted to know what I looked like? Oh, you women are so inquisitive! Well, are you satisfied? I'm a good-looking fellow, eh?...When a woman has seen me, as you have, she belongs to me.She loves me forever! I am a kind of Don Juan, you know!...Look at me! I am Don Juan Triumphant! -Erik in The Phantom of the Opera
People ask me, How would you do as a contestant on the show? And I tell them I would do fairly well among senior citizens, but against a good thirty-year-old I would have trouble because I cannot recall information as quickly as I used to. You used to say something and I would go, boom, right away, very sharp. Now it's like, Oh, yes, but wait a minute, uh, uh.
I would be scared to go under the knife, but you know, talk to me when I'm 50. I'll try anything. Except I won't do Botox again, because I looked crazy. I looked like Joan Rivers!
I'm trying to go over my lines. I woke up on the floor, somebody had me in their arms. I didn't quite know who, people looked so unfamiliar. That's about all I remember.
Humor is everything. Everything. Usually the negatives turned out to be the most positive for me. In the music industry, any other artist would have looked at the situation I was in and thought, "Oh man, this is not for me." I looked at it more like Darwin exploring the Galápagos Islands. You know - survival of the fittest.
When I get that question, about diversity, I don't go, "Yeah, well you know they don't pay me." That's not my story. I own six properties; Hollywood has been damn good to me. Now you can ask me, "Have they paid you what you deserve?" That's the question, but you'd have to go to the studios, I don't know. I do the work!
I remember my first visit with my guru. He had shown that he read my mind. So I looked at the grass and I thought, 'My god, he's going to know all the things I don't want people to know.' I was really embarrassed. Then I looked up and he was looking directly at me with unconditional love.
I think I fell in love with her, a little bit. Isn't that dumb? But it was like I knew her. Like she was my oldest, dearest friend. The kind of person you can tell anything to, no matter how bad, and they'll still love you, because they know you. I wanted to go with her. I wanted her to notice me. And then she stopped walking. Under the moon, she stopped. And looked at us. She looked at me. Maybe she was trying to tell me something; I don't know. She probably didn't even know I was there. But I'll always love her. All my life.
People talk about what I did in my private life more than if I'm good at football. 'Oh yeah, he was good, but I don't like him because of this.' But you don't know me! Know me as a footballer.
So I tried to get my shot with a 50mm and I did it - this is when we're shooting film, not digital. The guy that hired me looked through the pictures and was like, "Oh, this is pretty good. You did a good job." And I was like, "Yeah, I'm sorry. I only had a 50mm. My girlfriend rented the wrong lens..." and he stopped looking at the pictures and he looked up at me and he said, "You shot this with a 50mm? You're hired."
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