I was just at a point where waking up every day was a struggle. Coming out of every training session and wanting to cry, and having no confidence, not believing in myself and it's kind of this vicious cycle of focusing on all these things that I couldn't control and it was just eating away at me and pulling me down and I just wasn't happy anymore.
I'm in my 30's, and I'm still struggling with defining myself. I'm working every day to take control of things that are out of my control, and not letting them bring me down or frustrate me, to the point of paralysis.
The drinking was getting way out of control. I just didn't recognize myself anymore. I didn't know what I was doing or where I was. I always had to have some drinks with me in my bag. Just waking up shaking and then having Bloody Marys on your own, first thing in the morning-I started to feel really pathetic about it. So I was like, "I can't live like this." It was just this really awful feeling of becoming a totally different person and not being able to control it at all. Then I tried to not drink, but that didn't work. So I figured I should just go to rehab.
Football was a natural thing for me, and with no injuries or injury history that would stop me from training, I just enjoyed coming in every day and playing; then it was taken away from me.
For me specifically, I think college benefited me. Just getting me out of doing, getting me out of what I was doing before. I was just doing the same thing, you know, every day, same schedule, just practicing, training, things like that.
I'm happy just to be breathing. I'm joyful for life, my kids running around and waking me up every day. I got a lot to be thankful for.
My duty, what I have to do, is try my best in every training session, leave everything of me on the pitch. That's how I can go to bed at the end of the day and be happy with myself.
Having more freedom to bring the ball up and have the ball in my hands, just trusting me with the ball, that was one of the big things. My rookie year, I didn't have that. Just having that trust in me, just working and them seeing that I'm getting better at it, that I'm capable, that was kind of like a changing point for me.
For me, I just set little goals for myself and stay on that kind of track and surround myself with positive people along with my teammates. I just kind of have my goals and my dreams, and this is something that we've all been working for our entire lives, so it is kind of easy to wake up and want to better myself every day towards that goal.
I just kind of opened up and said, 'I feel like a rag doll. I have hair and makeup people coming to my house every day and putting me in new, uncomfortable, weird dresses and expensive shoes, and I just shut down and raise my arms up for them to get the dress on, and pout my lips when they need to put the lipstick on.'
Last but not least my family. My brother Tony, I love you. Thank you for beating me up when I was a kid. I always wanted to follow in your footsteps. I pray for you every night. You’ve taught me to feel confident in myself, believe in myself that I can do it when I didn’t think I could do it.
Dad, it’s been an up-and-down road for all of us, but you’ve always been there supporting from afar, texting me Bible verses every single day, telling me you love me every single day. That builds me up and I thank you so much. I love you. I’m just glad you’re part of this journey with us.
My life changed completely. It's crazy now. It's kind of gone from striving and wondering and being confused and being lost to just feeling like the most blessed person in the world - just happy to wake up every day, happy to get on a plane every time. Just couldn't be happier with life, really.
I had an injury that just dug away at me. I would spend every track session crying, attempting to run and breaking down when I couldn't.
I want to wake up every day and feel that I'm training harder than my competitors, that I'm dieting harder, that I'm recovering better. That's what gives me confidence when I'm lining up on the blocks. I've never gone out to prove people wrong. I just want to be the best that I can possibly be.
I always try and stay one step ahead of people, not looking like I looked like last week, so I can be as anonymous as possible and part of it is just for me. It is fun to just come up with new and bizarre colors for each area of your body and things like that, but there are some parts of it that I just keep wanting to negate myself. I hate waking up in the morning and recognizing the woman in the bathroom mirror.
I've been involved in cycling all my life and at a high level for 20 years. It consumes your every waking minute whether you are aware of it or not: your last training session, your next session, what you are eating next. It is a passion.
I've dealt every day of my life with my dad's career, the comparisons to him, with people wanting me to live up to him. I just put that stuff out of my head, I don't even hear it after awhile - I just turn my ears off.