Top 154 Quotes & Sayings by Billy Connolly - Page 2

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!

Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?

I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

Don't die until you're dead.

Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.

Don't vote, it only encourages them.

If you give people a chance, they shine.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.

If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers.

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.

Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

Never trust people who've only got one book.

A fart is just your arse applauding.

I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt.

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.

I just believe in the movie. I don't care what the book was like. I don't care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I've got.

I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.

I’ve come in and out of America for… well, I’ve lived here for 15 years. And I’ve played here for nearly 30 years. On and off. But I’ve always played to my fan base. And I can come and do two or three nights in New York or two or three nights in L.A., and all that. But when I go away, nobody knows I’ve been gone. You know, I don’t get reviewed or anything like that. So that’s why I’ve come back and done a longer time in a smaller place, in New York. It’s always the people who live here that get a chance to know me.

When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.

Nothing means anything here. When they pull down an outstanding building, no one objects. Oh, maybe there's a wee protest from some collectors or something who take a picture of it before it vanishes.

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

If you're going to do an interview about a movie or anything like that, you're vulnerable. You say stupid things. Or if you're applying for a green card you feel very vulnerable and you're likely to spout out something stupid in the middle of it all.

I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.

Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it's like they're in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.

I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.

I think comedy is difficult, and I'm amazed so many people want to do it. I'll be buying jeans and somebody will say, "I'm a comedian" - the guy selling you the jeans. The desire to be a comedian is weird. I found it weird myself to want to be one; I was a schoolboy when I wanted to be one but I didn't know how to do it. That was 50 years ago, so times have changed greatly. There seems to be a long line of people desperate to do it and most of them are quite good.

The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you're a zombie. And you're talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.

For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.

I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research.

Well, the film's not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it's pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies. I had never read anything like this until I was doing the film, but Mark [Joffe, the director] and people showed me stuff where, like a flood, it mattered where the water came from. If you're flooded from above, you get the money; if you're flooded from below, you don't. What's that about?

I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'

I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.

The more you know the less the better.

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.