Top 154 Quotes & Sayings by Billy Connolly - Page 3

I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That's what girls do. I think I am a girl really.

I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.

When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

I've been very lucky because I've always had movies to do. So if I got bored between shows a movie would turn up.

American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.

I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.

I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.

When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.

Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.

Acting is a different discipline. On stage I'm free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.

I?m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America. . . . People shout: "Hey ? I know you! You're That Guy.".

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

I'd never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I've been learning more about it as I've been doing interviews. I didn't even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!

I'm a huge film star... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f--ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f--ing Muppet movie.

Try to live in a place you like.

Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.

If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.

Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong.

I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.

I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I'm desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I'm going back, but I'm not. I'd rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.

Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.

I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.

Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.

There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage.

I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.

There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!

The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.

Don't work out, work in.

I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.