Top 611 Quotes & Sayings by David Letterman

Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian David Letterman.

Last updated on September 11, 2024.

David Michael Letterman is an American television host, comedian, writer, and producer. He hosted late night television talk shows for 33 years, beginning with the February 1, 1982, debut of Late Night with David Letterman on NBC, and ending with the May 20, 2015, broadcast of Late Show with David Letterman on CBS. In total, Letterman hosted 6,080 episodes of Late Night and Late Show, surpassing his friend and mentor Johnny Carson as the longest-serving late night talk show host in American television history. In 1996, Letterman was ranked 45th on TV Guide's 50 Greatest TV Stars of All Time. In 2002, The Late Show with David Letterman was ranked seventh on TV Guide's 50 Greatest TV Shows of All Time.

American - Comedian | Born: April 12, 1947

Source: Wikipedia

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

David Letterman

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

David Letterman

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

David Letterman

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

David Letterman

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

David Letterman

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

David Letterman

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

David Letterman

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

David Letterman

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

David Letterman

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

David Letterman

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.

David Letterman

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.

David Letterman

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

David Letterman

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

David Letterman

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

David Letterman

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

David Letterman

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

David Letterman

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.

David Letterman

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

David Letterman

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

David Letterman

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

David Letterman

There is no off position on the genius switch.

David Letterman

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

David Letterman

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

David Letterman

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

David Letterman

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

David Letterman

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

David Letterman

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

David Letterman

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

David Letterman

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

David Letterman

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

David Letterman

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?

David Letterman

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

David Letterman

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.

David Letterman

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

David Letterman

I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.

David Letterman

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

David Letterman

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

David Letterman

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

David Letterman

If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.

David Letterman

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.

David Letterman

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

David Letterman

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

David Letterman

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

David Letterman

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

David Letterman

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

David Letterman

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

David Letterman