Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian David Letterman.
Last updated on September 11, 2024.
David Michael Letterman is an American television host, comedian, writer, and producer. He hosted late night television talk shows for 33 years, beginning with the February 1, 1982, debut of Late Night with David Letterman on NBC, and ending with the May 20, 2015, broadcast of Late Show with David Letterman on CBS. In total, Letterman hosted 6,080 episodes of Late Night and Late Show, surpassing his friend and mentor Johnny Carson as the longest-serving late night talk show host in American television history. In 1996, Letterman was ranked 45th on TV Guide's 50 Greatest TV Stars of All Time. In 2002, The Late Show with David Letterman was ranked seventh on TV Guide's 50 Greatest TV Shows of All Time.
There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.
Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
There is no off position on the genius switch.
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.
Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?
I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.
As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.
We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.
President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.
The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.
I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Everyday is a compromise.
Life experience is the best teacher.
Weak coffee is the greatest sin against humanity.
You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down.
I think I might have a bad psychic advisor. When I asked her to contact the dead, she gave me Keith Richards' phone number.
You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.
I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water.
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.
Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.