Top 60 Quotes & Sayings by Sam Kinison
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Sam Kinison.
Last updated on September 11, 2024.
Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.
Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'
Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.
Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!
I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
I'd rather entertain people than offend them.
I don't deny my life-style is occasionally pretty wild.
Society needs a couple of vents that say what you're not supposed to say.
So many people counted on me to be the party, I had to move far enough away that they wouldn't want to drive there.
My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!
AIDS is a horrible disease, and the people who catch it deserve compassion.
Not that I want to put the entire rap music style down - I just don't like it. And I know somewhere there's gotta be another guy like that. There's gotta be a guy just like that - just like me. There's gotta be somebody, somewhere... Maybe, maybe an assassin type.
I'm so tired of men who are afraid to hurt women's feelings.
I'm not going to give up the shock part of my comedy.
I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself.
Anyone can go out on stage and start beating people over the head with rubber chickens. That'll get people's attention.
Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.
Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.
So many of these comics are just frustrated singers or actors - they want to get a gig doing a sitcom. It's paint-by-the-numbers comedy, lame joke-telling. They're drawn to it as a career move.
In the 1990s, it's OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It's acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke... about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society.
Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.
Everything can be satirized.
When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.
I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock 'n' roll and ex-wives. In that order.
I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.
I've never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.
You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pat your house payment. That's a tough crowd.
I want to show people that there's a side of myself other than just the outrageous comedian.
Just because I do a few comedy bits about gay people, that does not mean I'm out there promoting some anti-gay cause.
I'm attracted to heartbreakers.
I'm responsible. I even did a commercial for MTV saying how I was going to register to vote. And I still haven't.
It was great to be the rock comic, the shock comic. But after you've played Giants Stadium with Bon Jovi in front of 82,000 people, after you've done the 'Wild Thing' video with Jessica Hahn and every rock band from hell, you're not gonna top that.
It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
What am I responsible for? Who am I responsible to? Everybody? How come when Archie Bunker nailed everybody, it was funny - but when I do it, it's not?
I'm a comedian, and my comedy has never endorsed violence towards gays.
Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad.
I have lived a carnal life.
If I've learned one thing, it's 'don't tell the truth.' Lies keep you together.
I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good. Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the same line, they're so sweet: I'm not gonna hurt you like all the others. Really I'm not. I'm gonna introduce you to a whole new level of pain!
You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?
I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.
The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!
Rock Against Drugs, what a name. Somebody was high when they came up with that title. It's like Christians Against Christ. Rock created drugs.
Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee.
John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.
What happened? Satan was busy?
Ive never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.
You know what the problem is with world hunger? We've been sending them food.
You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pay your house payment. That's a tough crowd.
I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock n roll and ex-wives. In that order.
Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the F- out of everybody!
There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"
I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.
With any other celebrity, people come up and say, 'Hey, I really like your work.' But with my fans, when they see me, they don't even say hello. They just go, 'AWWWWWGHGHHHGHGHRRR!'
How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?
It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!
Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid.
There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.
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