Top 1200 Comedian Quotes & Sayings - Page 2

I would probably be a teacher if I weren't a comedian.

I'm a goofball and a comedian.

The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.

I am not a comedian.

I wanted to be a comedian.

A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).

I don't think of myself as a comedian.

I always wanted to be a comedian, even when I was a little kid. I had a funny father who was in the news business, by the way. He was a radio news guy. So the news was always in my house, and funny was always in my house. It was sort of just baked into the DNA that I would do this for a living, but I can remember being less than 10 years old and dreaming about being a comedian.

I'm trying to be a comedian, you know?

I'm funny. I'm a comedian. I'm not a clown.

I don't think I was a good comedian.

I didn't want to be a comedian. I wanted to be an actor - maybe a comic actor, but a real actor - by real, I mean not a comedian. I wanted to be an actor.

I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do.

I'm not a politician, I'm a comedian. I know my limitations.

I think of myself as a light comedian.

I'm not a comedian.

I always wanted to be a comedian.

It's good to be funny when you are a comedian.

I'm a standup comedian, so I need people.

I don't consider myself a stand-up comedian. I consider myself a performer; a comic as opposed to stand-up comedian. Stand-up comedians stand there and do their bits; I break every rule in creation. If there's a rule that can be broken in stand-up, I'll do it.

When you're a comedian, you're just by yourself.

Hey man! I'm a comedian but I'm not a clown.

I don't consider myself an Iranian comedian; I consider myself a comedian who happens to be of Iranian descent.

I don't think a comedian should even be concerned with being cool or sexy, as soon as you do, you aren't a comedian any more. Looks are still the most important thing for women when it comes to meeting a partner. And that's fair enough, but a sense of humour is really important too. For starters, it's a great indicator of whether you are going to get on. If the first time you go on a date you don't find each other funny, there's a fundamental problem.

I think comedy is difficult, and I'm amazed so many people want to do it. I'll be buying jeans and somebody will say, "I'm a comedian" - the guy selling you the jeans. The desire to be a comedian is weird. I found it weird myself to want to be one; I was a schoolboy when I wanted to be one but I didn't know how to do it. That was 50 years ago, so times have changed greatly. There seems to be a long line of people desperate to do it and most of them are quite good.

There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

I've told Michael Jackson jokes. If you got really technical, you could say those are jokes about child molestation. You could, if you got technical. A lot of this is just selective outrage because honestly, the audience are the ones that tell us that something shouldn't be spoken. The audience lets us know. And I've never, in my almost 30 years of being a comedian, seen a comedian continue to tell a joke that the audience doesn't respond to. I've never seen it.

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.

You say you're a comedian, you always have to be on guard.

Some street jokes are just timeless. There's an old street joke about comedians. The joke is that a beautiful girl comes up to a comedian at the end of the night and says, "I saw your show tonight, and I just loved it. I want to go home with you, and I'll do anything you want." And the comedian says, "Were you at the 7 or the 9?" That's just a perfect joke, because it points out how egomaniacal and obsessive comedians are. Even though I'm not waiting for a groupie, I can completely understand it. It just defines how comedians are driven.

I'm not a comedian, I'm an actor.

At one time I wanted to be a comedian.

I'm not a natural comedian.

I don't do drama. I'm a comedian.

I always wanted to be a popular comedian.

I'm not just a pundit - I'm a comedian.

I don't want to have to be a teacher so I can be a comedian.

Rick Shapiro is a top comedian.

There isn't a comedian in the world that hasn't bombed.

I've been doing comedies but I'm not a comedian.

I'm never going to be an improv comedian.

I'm not a stand-up comedian; I'm not a satirist.

Today's comedian has a cross to bear that he built himself. A comedian of the older generation did an act and he told the audience, This is my act. Today's comic is not doing an act. The audience assumes he's telling the truth. What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.

My favorite, favorite, favorite, and the greatest comedian that could ever exist if you could Frankenstein a comedian together, would be one part Richard Pryor, one part Peter Sellers. That would be the greatest comic actor.

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.

I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.

Well, what do you expect? The Comedian is dead.

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"

A lot of people think I'm a comedian.

I didn't really want to be a comedian.

I think the role of comedy in your life should supersede anything and everything negative. Just by virtue of the fact that you have to be funny, you can't afford to focus on the negative. As a comedian, your challenge is to turn negative stuff into positive energy. You should be able to hear anything that sounds bad, that people normally wouldn't laugh at, and make it feel funny to you. No one should be able to deter you, once you have your mind set on comedy. Your survival as a comedian should be as natural as breathing. I need to breathe and I consider my career my air.

I'm a comedian, not a politician.

I was an actor before becoming a comedian.

I do films which get me out of my comedian routine so that I don't get bored being a stand-up comedian. And with films, it's here today, gone tomorrow. So stand-up comedy is here to stay for me.

Listen, if you a comedian, and you try to jump in the rap lane, it's not gonna work out the way you think it's gonna work out. Just cause you got 4 million followers, 5 million followers, them people follow you 'cause you a comedian. So, once you try to rap they are not going to take you serious.

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

You have to be delusional to be a comedian.

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.