Top 1000 Funny Quotes & Sayings

My job is to bring the tickle. I know what's funny.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you're the funniest person you've ever heard of.

And as - funny enough, it actually became - so I've always wanted to be a Guinness world record holder. And believe it or not, before I made this there was not a category for world's largest Nerf gun, but there is now.

I have Slavic fat pads that make me look like a chipmunk and arched predatory eyebrows. With that, you're not going to get funny. That's why I play so many bad guys.

On 'The Simpsons,' I will say that we definitely like to comment on what's going on in the world, and we try to be funny. If we can figure out a way of being funny about it, then we've gone part of the way of accomplishing our task.

Sometimes people think they know you and they go, 'Hey!' and then they realize that they've just seen you on the television. That's kind of funny sometimes.

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?

I don't know why we, in the art world, cannot unpack things and sort of make hybrid notions of a practice. We're very rigid. It's funny, though; in music, we have no problem sampling, mixing and remixing. But in the art world, why can't we take little parts of history and mix it together?

I like bowling. I suck at it, but I like it. You know what's so funny? I have days when I'm absolutely great at doing it, and then I have days when I just don't understand it.

I just liked making funny videos, content that people would enjoy. The likes and retweets - that was, like, a plus.

I've always been part of comedy. One of the things about our family was that if we were reasonably funny with each other, particularly my two brothers and myself, when my father was upset with something you'd want to make sure in some way you made him laugh. Because when he didn't laugh, you were in trouble!

A lot of my stories about the old days, they're delicious and funny. But every time I recall the early days, it's painful. With every anecdote, it's painful because you're summoning up the terribly, terribly difficult life of my parents. And it's painful because I didn't realize at the time how hard it was for them.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

I think I'm funny because my family, my siblings were funny.

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

Being funny is my biggest differentiator, and I think I'd be a fool not to use that, and there's nothing I enjoy personally more than making a human being laugh. But then, I also think I have a serious side to me.

Nayeon always makes me laugh, and she is so funny when we are together. She is older than me, and she really is like an older sister. She cares about me a lot, and always gives me advice on my problems. She is an awesome sister!

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.

I think mockumentaries are such well-trodden grounds for comedies. It has been done a lot, but it is because of that informal nature, it's such a fertile ground to be funny.

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?

I don't say things to be offensive; I say things because they're funny to me. It amuses me.

I tend to head for what's amusing because a lot of things aren't happy. But usually you can find a funny side to practically anything.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I'm good at coming up with wacky characters and funny dialogue.

If you could cross a lion and a monkey, that's what I'd be, because monkeys are funny and lions are strong.

As a child, I was a victim of bullying because of my cultural background. I didn't look like all the other kids. I had a funny name.

Cure for an obsession: get another one.

If you're serious, you really understand that it's important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you're the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you're funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

It's funny, but you get to a time in your life when you think you have all the friends you will ever have.

Actually I never did stand up. I'm not that funny.

It's funny, as you live through something you're not aware of it.

Objectifying is kind of a funny thing. Art is objectification, all art, because you're taking someone and making them into an object. But people can also talk back more to you when you're sketching them. They can look at you and say, 'Oh man, you got me wrong.'

Bill Murray was just so funny to me - there wasn't anything spooking him.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

Shirley MacLaine said, You're so funny, then gave me a hug. Everything went white. I couldn't hear, I couldn't see. I thought I was going to pass out.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

It's funny how things change slowly, until the day we realize they've changed completely.

It's very funny that I'm being appreciated for my dance moves because when I was young, I was made fun of, as nobody thought I was able to dance.

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

I like to make jokes; I consider myself a funny person. I just think making jokes about people who are in a situation beyond their control is not funny to them or their families.

It may sound funny, but I love the South. I don't choose to live anywhere else. There's land here, where a man can raise cattle, and I'm going to do it some day.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

I love writing both fiction and memoir. Both have unique challenges; bottom line, fiction is hard because you have to come up with the credible, twisty plot, and memoir is hard because you have to say something true and profound, albeit in a funny way.

It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

I've never set out to write a funny movie or be a funny comedian as a woman. I am a woman. I don't really have a choice in the matter. My goal is just to be funny.

We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.

It's funny, because when you're younger you're in a rush to be 18 or 21 or whatever. But then you hit 30. And now, the days go by like hours. You think, 40, man, this could be the halfway point. It could be the three-quarters point, you know? Who knows?

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

I'm attracted to funny people with nice hands who smell good and are kind to people.

My company is known for being funny as well as moving. You get a bit of everything in these shows. I think people know they're going to have a surprising experience.

I grew up in a time when women didn't really do comedy. You had to be homely, overweight, an old maid, all that. You had to play a stereotype, because very attractive women were not supposed to be funny - because it's powerful; it's a threat.