Top 1000 Funny Quotes & Sayings - Page 5

The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

There's a lot more to me than just funny.

'Matilda' is my favorite movie of all time. It's so funny. It's about this girl who's so independent and smart, and she has to learn how to get through all these challenges she faces, and she gets through them all so well.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

I'm going to take this God-given gift of being funny, and I'm going to spread it out like peanut butter on everything I do.

Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

I never said most of the things I said.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

In general, the straight line of a joke sets up a premise, an expectation. Then the funny ending - the punch line - in a sense contradicts the original assumption by refusing to follow what had seemed a reasonable train of thought. Many jokes involve that simple matter of leaping outside what had appeared to be the rules of the game at the moment.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Whenever I'm in the U.K., people say I have an American accent. Which is, obviously, funny.

I don't mean to be funny.

'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels' is a good one because it not only turned out, I think, to be a really funny movie but it was also a delight to shoot. We were in the South of France, working with Glenne Headly and Michael Caine and Frank Oz the director - who were just fun.

There are plenty of people I've seen and thought that person is funny, or that person is really talented, and they've got something, but maybe the buying public doesn't see the same thing I see, or the stars don't align in the right way for them.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

Being funny wasn't a career choice growing up, it was my way out of situations; a way to survive another day.

One thing the blues ain't, is funny.

Sex is funny and love is serious.

It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

I think serial monogamy says it all.

At this point, I've really failed at a lot of things. It's nice to be able to say that, in a way. I've failed at music. I've failed at dance. And acting - there have been times when I went out and read lines to audition for acting parts. I believe that if anybody wrangled together those audition tapes, it would be pretty hysterically funny.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

After the Soviet Union collapsed, people thought I wasn't funny anymore.

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

The funny thing is that I'm the girl who no one sees at the beach. Ask anyone who's traveled with me. Normally, I'm in so many layers, I look like Lawrence of Arabia!

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

There is a saying that if you get something for free, you should know that you're the product. It was never more true than in the case of Facebook and Gmail and YouTube. You get free social-media services, and you get free funny cat videos. In exchange, you give up the most valuable asset you have, which is your personal data.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing.

For my first gig, I got $75. I could make money being funny, so I pursued it as a career and have turned it into a lucrative business.

Macho does not prove mucho.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.

Do you know, it's funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disadvantage.

'Vicky Donor' proved that the audience was waiting for well-scripted funny films.

One time I went into a restroom and a girl followed me in. I signed an autograph for her in the sink. It was pretty funny because she was in a guy's restroom and she wasn't embarrassed at all.

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.

Chris Hemsworth is like Christopher Reeve in that he can do two things: he can wear a big red cape without a shred of self-consciousness. But he's also funny as hell, and he's so sweet. So with all the fish-out-of-water stuff, he's so funny. So he does almost two jobs in a way.

You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny.

Novels are not about expressing yourself, they're about something beautiful, funny, clever and organic. Self-expression? Go and ring a bell in a yard if you want to express yourself.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Censorship no longer works by hiding information from you; censorship works by flooding you with immense amounts of misinformation, of irrelevant information, of funny cat videos, until you're just unable to focus.