Top 15 Hemorrhoids Quotes & Sayings

You know you're in your 40s when you've spent 48 hours trying to think of a word, and that word was 'hemorrhoids.'

One poll showed that Americans have a higher opinion of witches, the IRS and hemorrhoids than Congress

I saw a sign one time that said 'hemorrhoids awareness week' at the doctor's office. Let me tell you, if you got hemorrhoids, I'm sure you are aware of it. You don't need a sign to tell anybody about it.

The other thing that's useful for me is this notion of the absolute versus the relative:if we walk out and it's a beautiful morning, it's only a beautiful morning because we don't have a broken leg or hemorrhoids or something.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

Question the Chestnuts. Chestnuts: the new name for boobs? No. NO. Why would you even say that? Get your mind out of the gutter. No, by "chestnuts" I mean, "those old pieces of writing advice that you hear as common refrain." 'Write what you know.' 'Adverbs give Baby Jesus hemorrhoids.' 'If you write a prologue, an orphan loses his sight.' All the "old saws" need to be put on the chopping block.

Awards are like hemorrhoids. Sooner or later every asshole gets one.

Sir, this lane is for ten items or less. I’m counting thirteen items in your cart, including that hemorrhoid cream. And while hemorrhoids might give you a reason to be nasty, they don’t give you a reason to be in this lane.

When I first started out, I was considered a crackpot. The doctors used to say, "Don't go to that Jack LaLanne, you'll get hemorrhoids, you won't get an erection, you women will look like men, you athletes will get muscle-bound -- this is what I had to go through.

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids

The one who swallows cactuses with spines should not complain about hemorrhoids.

At 66, you're supposed to die or get hemorrhoids.

I was playing basketball, and I had hemorrhoids in high school.

The movies are celluloid hemorrhoids. No, worse: They're celluloid Bon Jovi.

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.