Top 1200 Old Farts Quotes & Sayings

If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.

My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts.

How can you feel like an actual member of society casting a vote for a president when in a professional interview you said that farts make you laugh? And you're a professional in comedy? But then, have you ever seen a video of a small dog that farts? Welp. I don't need to explain that anymore. If you can't see the humor in that, good luck being a CEO somewhere where I'm not going to understand you. It's a harmless thing to laugh at. It's humor that's not at the expense of someone else. And it's silly. It's juvenile.

I don't want to be solely a dramatic actor. It's such an important part of my quality of life to goof around and talk about my farts.

A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by it's own farts

There's nothing worse than a bunch of jaded old farts, and that's a fact.

I'm only interested in heavy metal when it's me who's playing it. I suppose it's a bit like smelling your own farts.

I like to keep in touch with younger photographers. It's important that a younger generation comes up and questions the assumptions made by old farts like me.

As soon as somebody farts around me, I think it's hilarious. This is something my brothers did that now the boys at work are obsessed with. You cup it, and then you throw it in someone's face and say, ‘Take a bite out of that cheeseburger!'

So familiar are eggs to us, however, that in the eighteenth century they were referred to as cackling farts, on the basis that chickens cackled all the time and eggs came out of the back of them.

I know that at one time, the Arctic was the tropics. And I guess I wonder what caused that? Was it dinosaur farts? I don’t know.

I love baseball. I'll probably end up one of those old farts who go to spring training in Florida every year and drive from game to game all day.

A man who farts in bed . . . is a man who loves life.

Doubt is an old disease. Faith is an old medicine. Compassion is an old doctor. Concern is an old nurse.

Freedom, Truth, Honour ? you could rattle off a hundred such words and behind every one of them would gather a thousand punks, pompous little farts, waving the banner with one hand and reaching under the table with the other.

Modern music is three farts and a raspberry, orchestrated.

You're all mad for words. Words are just farts from a lot of fools who have swallowed too many books. Give me things!

They didn't trademark everything back then. Now someone farts and they put a TM after it. Even Miller Lite says 'A Fine Pilsner Beer' on the label. It is a crime.

I always thought that farts were funny, and I always thought that they were mine to talk about because they came out of my body.

I have a playlist of farts on my phone.

Is not old wine wholesomest, old pippins toothsomest, old wood burn brightest, old linen wash whitest? Old soldiers, sweethearts, are surest, and old lovers are soundest.

There are more microbes per person than the entire population of the world. Imagine that. Per person. This means that if the time scale is diminished in proportion to that of space it would be quite possible for the whole story of Greece and Rome to be played out between farts.

I will never win an Oscar, and do you know why? First of all, because I'm not Jewish. Secondly, I make too much money for all those old farts in the Academy.

If you eat Chinese food, your farts come out like Chinese food. If you eat Mexican food, your farts come out like Mexican food. And milk, it’s like - you can smell the warmth in the fart. My wardrobe on Transformers always smells like farts, and I have no idea why.

If the game is run properly as a professional game, you do not need 57 old farts running rugby.

I still like farts. I still think farts are some of the funniest things.

I love everything that's old, - old friends, old times, old manners, old books, old wine.

The average pregnant woman farts 15 times that!

Have you been sniffing fairy farts?

Old books, old wine, old Nankin blue;- All things, in short, to which belong The charm, the grace that Time makes strong, All these I prize, but (entre nous) Old friends are best!

Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

A person who discreetly farts in an elevator is not a divine being, and a man needs to know this.

I think that everything starts to go to hell when you start smelling your own farts and complimenting yourself on how great they smell. We're not going to turn into fart-smellers.

Agriculture is one of the biggest causes of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. Cars? Planes? Trains? Nope. Cow farts.

No matter how politely one says it, we owe our existence to the farts of blue-green algae.

Other people, including me, have written books with main characters who were old and rich. Or old and brilliant. Old sages, old wizards, old rich people.

Don't be more serious than God. God invented dog farts.

I won't use Twitter. Twitter posts are thought-farts. I don't care about unconsidered thoughts of the moment.

Robert Plant asked me to marry him, but I said 'no.' I mean, you just don't want to marry someone you've wanted to do it with since you were thirteen, because, well, if he farts, I would, like, die!

Farts and poop are still funny and will always be funny.

Home. It's being new and old all rolled into one. Measuring your new against old friends, old ways, old places, Knowing that as long as the old survives, you can keep changing as much as you want without the nightmare of waking up to a total stranger.

There's a Drunk Midget in My House Ah, babies! They're more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. Like most people who have had one baby, I am an expert on everythiing and will tell you, unsolicited, how to raise your kid!

I've got two old Volvos, two old Subarus, and an old Ford Ranger. If you've got an old car, you've gotta have at least several old cars, 'cause one's always gonna be in the garage.

I am happy everywhere except in places where I see glitz and rich farts. I am happiest in Brooklyn, where the concentration of rich farts is minimal.

Besides, when you say you're a feminist it annoys the bigots and the old farts and the prissy ladies so much, it's kind of irresistible.

The rest of the guys in Sabbath became boring old farts, and there I was, this crazy guy, still into wrecking hotel rooms and having parties.

Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.

Farts come from no one and nowhere; they are anonymous emanations that belong to the group as a whole, and even when every person in the room can point to the culprit, the only sane course of action is denial.

No Angie, it's instant. Like when someone trips in the cafeteria and you're laughing so hard milk comes out of your nose, the guy next to you is laughing so hard he accidentally farts. BOOM! Friends for life!

Just let them sit in the goddam sun. But the world won't let them because there's nothing more dangerous than letting old farts sit in the sun. They might be thinking. Same thing with kids. Keep 'em busy or they might start thinking.

It was an old, old, old, old lady, And a boy who was half-past three; And the way they played together Was beautiful to see.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.

When people slave over those scripts and pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for them, they don't usually want you to add farts.

Did I not tell you earlier that a Jew is such a noble, precious jewel that God and all the angels dance when he farts?

Old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read.

Right now, the old guys, the old farts, if you will, are still running the show, and the women haven't gotten their place yet at all.

In real life people fart, in the movies, people don't. Why not? Farts are a repressed minority. The mouth gets to say all kinds of things, but the other place is supposed to keep quiet. But maybe our lower colons have something interesting to say. Maybe we should listen to them. Farts are human, more human than a lot of people I know. I think we should bring them out of the water closet and into the parlor.

I swear, guys in groups are capable of the stupidest things." "Like war," Kellan says, heaping napkins and ketchup packets onto her tray. "And jumping off rooftops." "And lighting their farts on fire," she says.

At one time or another, farts have coincided with every other sound, including this quote.

Most people enjoy the sight of their own handwriting as they enjoy the smell of their own farts.