Top 1200 Old Jokes Quotes & Sayings - Page 14

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

I'm a fifty-three-year-old writer who can remember being a ten-year-old writer and who expects someday to be an eighty-year-old writer.

I learned to think about religion, race and sex through the complex and often unattractive medium of jokes.

They changed the floor back to old school. They changed the uniform back to old school. Somebody tell the damn players to start playing like old school.

I went to work at 11 years old. I became governor. It's not a big deal. Work doesn't hurt anybody. I'm all for not allowing a 12-year-old to work 40 hours. But a 12-year-old working eight to 10 hours a week or a 14-year-old working 12 to 15 hours a week is not bad.

I'm more one of those people you laugh at and not with. I'm not the one with the jokes, I'm the one who falls on her face going up a flight of steps.

When I make a film, the yardstick is my mind. If I laugh at the jokes and feel sad at the serious undersides, then the subject works.

I used to take someone with me for the chemotherapy so I could do jokes. You always try and find something absurd.

Question Time' is a nice forum for reasoned political debate. There's no point having me on there trying to crack jokes.

I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.

I enjoy jokes, smiling, and making people smile. I may be a little different, but that's OK, who wants to be normal anyway?

Each week, we might write 500 jokes for 'Weekend Update,' and ultimately, we can only do about 10.

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

I'm not a comedian. I don't do stand-up. I don't tell jokes. I'm a comedic actor, and approach my work that way. The comedy comes through the character.

I'd been writing jokes since I was 16, not very good ones though, but I was always trying to make my mates laugh.

Well, Page, I do wish the Devil had old Cooke, for I am sure I never was so tired of an old dull scoundrel in my life ... But the old-fellows say we must read to gain knowledge; and gain knowledge to make us happy and be admired. Mere jargon! Is there any such thing as happiness in this world? No.

Levity is the lubricant of a crisis. We resort to jokes, pranks and good natured kidding to relieve tension, stress and boredom.

If you want to call me names, make jokes and doubt my intentions, go ahead, because the reality is I can take it.

The best joke-tellers are those who have the patience to wait for conversation to come around to the point where the jokes in their repertoire have application.

To deliver something deadpan is very difficult; I don't think people know how hard those jokes are.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I just don't get if you have ever gotten offended by a joke, why would you go to a comedy club? That's where jokes happen.

I don't perceive my role as a newsman at all. I'm a comedian from stem to stern. You can cut me open and count the rings of jokes.

[The people that worked on The Simpsons] just had good taste. They knew how to execute absurd jokes.

I hate those movies where hundreds of people get blown up and there are jokes afterward. They poison the soul.

The thing about Donald [Trump] is the jokes write themselves. I don't even think of it to be trolling. What he says is the joke.

I try not to rely on pop culture references as a crutch for jokes, because then, I think, that's when the timelessness quality is lost.

I did my first set at a talent show, and I couldn't finish because the judges didn't like my jokes. They were 'offensive.'

On the set I make jokes I can't get too involved, or it turns into sentimental soup. I try to keep it light.

If you're going to document your own journey, the jokes work better in the first person, just like the stories do.

Demographics show that we are entering a battle between young and old. I call it the 'Age War.' The young want to hang onto their money to grow their families, businesses, and wealth. The old want the tax and investment dollars of the young to sustain their old age.

The Land of Faery, Where nobody gets old and godly and grave, Where nobody gets old and crafty and wise, Where nobody gets old and bitter of tongue.

We actually talked about Adam Sandler during the creation of 'Trolls,' because he does know how to time jokes.

The death of a 20-year-old woman is intuitively worse than that of a 2-month-old girl, even though the baby has had less life. The 20-year-old has a much more developed personality than the infant, and has drawn upon the investment of others to begin as-yet-unfulfilled projects.

I'm not to blame for an old body, but I would be to blame for an old soul. An old soul is a shameful thing.

The government, the state, they're just objects of jokes rather than serious consideration. I can't possibly take them seriously.

When I was a kid, we got in a cipher and battled each other lyrically. We told jokes and made the hottest dance moves.

Real life is hard. I'm sorry, but shopping at Tesco is not as much fun as writing jokes for TV shows, and I struggle with it.

I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman...come in the guise of a comic...to heal perception by using...'jokes'.

What really got my goat at MGM were comedians like The Marx Brothers who never wrote their own jokes.

All of my jokes were about not being able to meet anybody. I didn't have any insight into anything - even my own insecurities.

When I first started on Twitter, a relative asked, 'Aren't you concerned with giving away your jokes?' I don't think of it that way. That's my content, and that's what I do.

I still feel threatened by academics, but my books have a lot of academic in-jokes and everybody assumes I went to university and studied English.

I'm probably going to get in trouble for this but 'American Dad' is one of my favourite shows. It gets very dark in places but the jokes are there.

I actually write some pretty tough jokes. I don't want to push the "soft" angle too much.

I might do cartoonish sexual jokes, but it's my way of saying what's going on in the world. How people are animals, really.

I just think if you're 44 years old and you're not smarter than you were when you were 35 years old or 25 years old, just stay in your room.

Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

Given a little time for the pain to subside, dreadful experiences often can be the basis of funny jokes or stories.

As an actor, it's always fun when you're able to feel like there's freedom to explore things and try out jokes and be funny.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

There is a built-in danger in old age which, if we give in to it, makes aging one of the most difficult periods of life, rather than one of the most satisfying - which it should be. Tye danger of old age is that we may start acting old.

When I naturally write a story and I feel that the guy is sitting across the table from the girl and flirting with her... I think, 'God, that can't be me' because I'm just too old for that part. You need a 30-year-old or a 35-year-old for that part. And so I've given myself less and less roles.

There are passages of the Bible that are soiled forever by the touches of the hands of ministers who delight in the cheap jokes they have left behind them.

It's pretty easy to hear what people are physically responding to versus what's just flat as a pancake in the room when it comes to jokes.

I think I have got a very good sense of humour; other people don't, but I do. I also laugh at my own jokes.

I know that drummers tend to be the butt of a thousand jokes, usually from the uninformed and untalented, but I always felt I had an important role.

If you're talking about mugging little old ladies, you don't say, 'What's our target for the rate of mugging little old ladies?' You say, 'Mugging little old ladies is bad, and we're going to try to eliminate it.' You recognize you might not be a hundred percent successful, but your goal is to eliminate the mugging of little old ladies. And I think we need to eventually come around to looking at carbon dioxide emissions the same way.

I had no desire to get up onstage and tell jokes. I prefer to stand next to really funny people.