Top 1200 Retirement Jokes Quotes & Sayings

Companies have told us that they have employees who are near retirement age. We created a $5 billion reinsurance pool to help them bear the cost of those employees on the brink of retirement.

Jokes for jokes' sake are kind of meaningless to me. I understand the value of them, but it doesn't speak to me as much. You can lace your argument with jokes, but tell me why you're presenting this argument. What does it mean?

I'm not afraid of retirement. Retirement sounds like a blast.

Your retirement comes before your children's tuition. That's because there's no financial aid for retirement, and there's still a good deal available for college.

Jokes rot. They're not like songs. I always envy singers - Sting is always going to sing 'Roxanne'. But people want to hear new jokes. I've written jokes as good as 'Roxanne', I believe. But I can't tell them again.

People would say, "Oh, you say you just do jokes." I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They saved my life when I was younger. Hopefully we're making things nicer at the end of the day for people. That's the entire goal, and that's the touchstone and the North Star for the tone.

Our government makes the simple promise of a secure retirement to every American who works for many years and contributes to our retirement benefit system.

No well-planned retirement should be without long term care insurance. It is the very cornerstone of retirement security.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

I was a stock broker once. I think there is an absolute place for market investments. But they should never be the basis of one's retirement. They should be an additional piece on top of a basic, secure, guaranteed retirement benefit.

I learned all those jokes in second grade. Second grade is really where they tell you those horrific jokes, racist jokes and misogynistic jokes that you have no idea what they mean, and you just memorize them because they have a very strong effect, they make people laugh in this kind of nervous, horrible way, and it's only later that you realize that you've got a head full of crap.

We don't write jokes or anything, the furthest we'll go is we'll repeat certain jokes for the camera.

Tweeting is a great way to practice writing jokes, but there is so much more to comedy writing than just jokes. Jokes are a necessity, but you also have to learn how to write characters, to break a story, to keep coherence between episodes. I've learned more by being a TV writer than I ever could've on my own.

I don't do any jokes that old. I might have maybe one or two jokes from high school that I still do.

ESG investing poses particular concerns under the Employee Retirement Income Security Act, or Erisa, the federal law governing private retirement plans.

I think jokes on colour or body shaming shouldn't be made. It's not funny to crack such jokes.

All my life, my immediate response to emotional pain has been to make jokes. Lots of jokes.

I'm not gonna squeal out that this is my 23rd retirement, my real, real retirement. But you know there comes a time where you need to look to go in another direction in life, and I have entered that time.

I never understood retirement. What is the attraction of retirement? I go down there to Florida and look around and I said, my God, who wants this? Not me.

Retirement's the most wonderful thing. I get to enjoy all the things I never stopped to notice on the way up. After an extraordinary life, it's time to enjoy my retirement.

People are writing shorter jokes. The style I've started with was almost trying to keep jokes under 140 characters before Twitter.

I'm great at retirement. I'm excelling at retirement... I've loved every second of it.

I'm a taker in terms of jokes. I love to hear a good joke, but I don't retain jokes. I'm not a good teller of jokes.

The rolling contract was designed to specifically take away some of that retirement talk and retirement issue.

There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.

I am absolutely okay with jokes on me now, but initially, yes, I was perturbed ki why me? I am not a personality on whom jokes are made randomly. Later, I was like, if everyone is enjoying jokes on me, even I should laugh it off instead of opposing them.

I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I'm both. Well, I'm not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes.

If Congress wants to mess with the retirement program, why don't we let them start by changing their retirement program, and not have one, instead of talking about getting rid of Social Security and Medicare that was robbed $700 billion dollars to pay for Obamacare.

I think I have got a lot better as an interviewer. I let people talk now which is something you need to do. At the beginning I thought jokes, jokes, jokes, I am a stand up comedian but I think I have mellowed out now.

Absolutely invest in retirement. You can always get a loan to get kids through school. I do not know of any loans to get you through retirement. The markets are seriously low from where they were (even though they've gone up 30 percent recently). Now is the time to be dollar cost averaging; the more money you put in, the more shares you buy. Save for your retirement, people.

I don't like the pressure to try to tell the best jokes. I'm not good at jokes.

There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.

I try not to write jokes that are mean. I try my best to write jokes that are pretty universal and jokes that don't attack anyone. I know I often fall short of that and end up taking unfair swipes at people, but I try not to.

I decided that instead of making jokes about politics, I need to take part in it, and therefore, I can't make jokes and participate.

Like the truth, retirement can set you free. Or, like work, retirement can imprison you.

God is always joking. Look at your own life - it is a joke! Look at other people's lives, and you will find jokes and jokes and jokes. Seriousness is illness; seriousness has nothing spiritual about it. Spirituality is laughter, spirituality is joy, spirituality is fun.

I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. I don't know how to tell jokes.

I don't take jokes from other people. It's really not cool to steal jokes from anybody. It's not cool to steal anything from anybody. Jokes are no different.

Retirement savings is probably behavioral economists' greatest success story. It is a prototypical behavioral-economics problem because saving for retirement is cognitively hard - figuring out how much to save - and requires self-control.

It’s just what they are — they’re jokes…most jokes are about Jewish people, rednecks, black folks…I can’t determine what offends another person.

When you have a couple hundred people in one huge space, that's gonna lead to jokes and it's a breeding ground for practical jokes and teasing.

The jokes are great but what really matters for a comedian is his performance, his whole attitude, and the laughs that he gets between the jokes rather than on top of the jokes.

I had a moment where I was onstage once... As a comedian, you just think, 'Be funny as possible all the time - like, funny at all costs - jokes, jokes, jokes.' That's how my mentality was.

The current institutionally provided retirement plans will not cover people's needs upon retirement.

The retirement system that is in place for members of Congress and other federal workers features what is known as the Federal Employment Retirement Plan.

I'm not good with jokes, no. I don't know a joke at all. I like being told jokes, but I can't tell one myself.

I never used to tell jokes on stage. Now I'm cutting up jokes all night long.

I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes.

The inside jokes weren't jokes anymore. they had become stories

Americans should be able to enjoy a secure retirement after a lifetime of hard work. But too many Americans reach retirement without enough savings to supplement their Social Security benefits.

I'm not philosophically opposed to raising the retirement age... I accept the fact that I may have to raise my retirement age for that.

I've always believed in the concept of retirement. I retired for the first time at age 18 ... from school. To me, retirement means doing what you want to do without worrying about getting paid for it.

People look at things differently. Imagine going to a village in Southern Sudan and try to explain to someone there the concept of life insurance or retirement. Go to Vietnam and say retirement. Retirement in another country is your body is too racked with pain and your hands are too arthritic from the life in the rice patty fields, so you can't work anymore. So you move in with your son and his new wife takes care of you because that's how families work there.

I use mother-in-law jokes, kid jokes, tax jokes - anything that works.

Social Security is the foundation stone of that kind of retirement security. It not only needs to be strengthened in order to make sure it's there for younger baby boomers and Generations X and Y, but it probably needs to be strengthened and expanded because the retirement benefits now being offered by most employers are not sufficient to support middle-income Americans in their long years of retirement.

Not Going Out's jokes were based on the American mentality in terms of how often the jokes appear.

Working for company X and having a substantial portion of your retirement plan in company X is simply exposing yourself to too much risk, because the company is both your employer and the source of your retirement income. So if something goes wrong, you lose both your job and your retirement plan.

My favorite moments are the moments everyone cries over. I see people in the audience crying, and I go, 'I did that, too. I don't just do the jokes. I also do the cries.' Jokes and cries, jokes and cries. That's all I'm here for, people.