Top 826 Quotes & Sayings by Woody Allen
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American director Woody Allen.
Last updated on September 9, 2024.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Marriage is the death of hope.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
I am two with nature.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
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