Top 826 Quotes & Sayings by Woody Allen - Page 2

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

I know what I think but I don't know how to put it into words. Maybe I could get a little bit drunk and dance it for you.

If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

Everybody knows how awful the world is and what a terrible situation it is and each person distorts it in a certain way that enables him to get through. Some people distort it with religious things. Some people distort it with sports, with money, with love, with art, and they all have their own nonsense about what makes it meaningful, and all but nothing makes it meaningful. These things definitely serve a certain function, but in the end they all fail to give life meaning and everyone goes to his grave in a meaningless way.

I can't understand why more people aren't bisexual. It would double your chances for a date on Saturday night.

There's no way to prove that there is no God. You just have to take it on faith.

I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.

A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.

Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.

Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue.

I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.

I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips. I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one.

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.

Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer. Not to love is to suffer.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn't all that important.

Until you've been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon - you've never been kissed.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?

In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.

Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful; provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.

My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it.

No matter what the shrinks, or the pundits, or the self-help books tell you, when it comes to love, it's luck.

I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling.