Top 826 Quotes & Sayings by Woody Allen - Page 3

I have one last request. Don't use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat.

Who's the bigger idiot, the idiot or the idiot who gets fooled by the idiot?

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

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Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy.

Even if God exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure.

The only love that lasts is unrequited love.

I see the glass half full...but of poison.

Paranoia is knowing all the facts.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don't.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

Over the years I've never written or made movies about political themes 'cause while they do have current critical importance, in the large, large scheme of things, only the big questions matter and the answers to those big questions are very, very depressing.

You know, it's one thing about intellectuals, they prove that you can be absolutely brilliant and have no idea what's going on.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

I'm trying to arrange my life so I don't have to be present.

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.

Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad.

A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone.

I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is will they be able to break a twenty?

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot

The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

My father worked for the same firm for 12 years. They fired him and replaced him with a tiny gadget that does everything my father does, only much better. The depressing thing is my mother ran out and bought one

I carry a bullet in my breast pocket. Once, a crazy evangelist threw a bible at me, which would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for the bullet.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.

Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals.

Spencer was searching for a woman interested in gold, inorganic chemistry, outdoor sex and the music of Bach. In short, he was looking for himself, only female.

[The universe is] haphazard, morally neutral, and unimaginably violent.

There will be no major solution to the suffering of humanity until we reach some understanding of who we are, what the purpose of creation was, what happens after death. Until those questions are resolved we are caught.

Heaven knows, we all make mistakes. That's life - and chess.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

God is either cruel or incompetent.

We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair, the other to destruction. Let's hope we make the right choice.

The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.

To me nature is... spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating... It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.

No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.

I'm so excited-I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college.

If you're born with a gift, to behave like it's an achievement is not right.

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers

Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.

See, I never gain an ounce, because, you know, my anxiety acts like aerobics.

Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing.

You mellow too much you ripen and rot.

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.

I foresee death by culture shock.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

I was in analysis for years because of a traumatic childhood; I was breast-fed through falsies.

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

I am plagued by doubts.