Top 826 Quotes & Sayings by Woody Allen - Page 4

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

There is something about big cities that turns me on, and for whatever mysterious reason, places like New York and Paris inspire me. I think it's because cities represent civilization, and as crime-ridden and broken down as some of them are, it's still better than skipping through a meadow.

When you are dead, it is hard to find the light switch.

In formulating any philosophy the first consideration must always be: What can we know? That is, what can we be sure we know, or sure that we know we knew it, if indeed it is at all knowable. Or have we simply forgotten it and are too embarrassed to say anything? Descartes hinted at the problem when he wrote, 'My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly with my legs.

Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?

he's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something

Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.

No Matter what you do there will be critics.

When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said rabies. She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets... I thought she'd been bitten by a Great Dane.

I want to return to the womb, anyone's.

My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.

Geez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts.

What' s the matter with me? Why can't I be cool?

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

Is Knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know?

The wicked at heart probably know something.

I'm awash in self-contempt!

If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

I hope you're getting this down.

If my soul exists without my body I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

I'm a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don't drink, I don't smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person!

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.

Dying is like making love, except you don't get naseous afterwards.

What is it about death that bothers me? Probably the hours.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.

I loathed every day and regret every moment I spent in a school.

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.

The best things in life are censored.

My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.

The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don't.

Do I believe in God? I did until Mother's accident. She fell on some meat loaf and it penetrated her spleen.

Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

You can learn technological things, you can learn about specific things, but the real problems that people deal with in any subject, existential subjects or romantic subjects, you never learn anything. So you make a fool of yourself when you're 20, you make a fool of yourself at 40, at 60 at 80. The ancient Greeks were dealing with these problems. They screwed up all the time. People do now.

People are always talking about the dumbing down of the country.

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.

Life is a tragedy filled with suffering and despair and yet some people do manage to avoid jury duty.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.

I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?

In short, the best thing to do is behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen or under, try not to go bald.

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

Writing is great because in the writing you never have to... First of all you never have to leave your home. And you never have to meet the test of reality when you're writing.

Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, human happiness does not seem to be included in the design of creation. It is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even try to find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more.

And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.

I've never felt Truth was Beauty. Never. I've always felt that people can't take too much reality. I like being in Ingmar Bergman's world. Or in Louis Armstrong's world. Or in the world of the New York Knicks. Because it's not this world. You spend your whole life searching for a way out. You just get an overdose of reality, you know, and it's a terrible thing. I'm always fighting against reality.