A Quote by Jessica Hahn
I got involved in cocaine because I needed to lose weight. I felt the pressure living here. I took it to wake me up and keep me moving.
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What happened was I began to eventually lose everything because cocaine had such a hold on me. I wouldn't show up to do things I had been hired to do - whether it was film for a video or do an ad for a magazine or something. I'd be out partying with cocaine. Eventually, I began to lose everything. So, I left California and went back to Alabama in an attempt to try to get my life together - but geographical location didn't necessarily help me because the real problem was in me.
When I arrived in Texas in 2001, I felt an enormous amount of pressure. I felt like I had all the weight of the world on top of me, and I needed to perform, and perform at a high level every day.
Up until that moment, I'd been at the earliest stage of love, when you feel it will turn you into the better person you want to be. Now, his gentle voice and sage advice took me to a later stage: I felt I needed to pretend to be a better person than I was so he'd keep loving me. This was hard because it made me hate him.
I wanted to be a jazz pianist, but I wasn't good enough. I got into city college because I didn't have the grades to get into university. I took acting because it was a way to get three credits. I just needed three credits and my friend told me to take acting because it was like gym - nobody fails you. I took it and that's literally how I got involved in acting.
My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'
The really hard moment was when my dad said, 'Honey, if an agent is telling you to lose weight, then maybe you should lose weight.' I was 15, standing in our living room, having a moment I will never forget. I never had a parent tell me to lose weight, and it hurt.
In high school, I was probably 155 - I wanted to run fast and get a scholarship, so, it was drilled in me that if you lose weight, you'll run faster. So, I went on a diet - I did lose weight, but then I hit a plateau where I couldn't lose any more weight. So, I started throwing my food up, so I became bulimic.
I am comfortable with who I am as a person. I've never felt that pressure of feeling like I need to fit into something else or be something else because that's not me. I work out and I'm healthy, but that's not to lose weight; that's just to feel good.
Wake up, America. The insurance companies took over health care. Wake up, America. The pharmaceutical companies took over drug pricing. Wake up, America. The speculators took over Wall Street. Wake up, America. They want to take your Social Security. Wake up, America. Multinational corporations took over our trade policies, factories are closing, good paying jobs lost. Wake up, America. We went into Iraq for oil.
My ex used to tell me that I needed to lose weight. Bear in mind I have a wheat allergy and I'm a coeliac! I'm constantly ill and it's like, how the hell do you tell someone like that they need to lose weight off their belly?
In high school, I felt pressure to fit in with groups and with people who didn't actually want to be my friend. That's something I learned moving forward into adulthood: to keep the people around me people who love me for exactly who I am.
L.A. ispolluted. It's overpopulated. But it is very much home. It was inevitable for me, the moving back. I was living in San Francisco, and Joan broke it off with me, and I needed a place to live. I'd been divorced. And I needed to write movies and TV shows to earn a living. Alimony. All that. So I figured what the hell, I'll go back to L.A.
Even when I took the drugs I realized that this just wasn't fun anymore. The drugs had become a part of my routine. Something to wake me up. Something to help me sleep. Something to calm my nerves. There was a time when I was able to wake up, go to sleep, and have fun without a pill or a line to help me function. These days it felt like I might have a nervous breakdown if I didn't have them.
I've been sober now for 18 years. With all the drugs, psychedelics and narcotics I did, I was [really] an alcoholic. Honestly, I only used to do cocaine so I could sober up and drink more. My last five years of drinking was a nightmare. I was drinking a half-gallon of rum with a fifth of rum on the side, in case I ran out, 28 beers a day, and three grams of cocaine just to keep me moving around. And I thought I was doing fine because I wasn't crawling around drunk on the floor.
I'd lose weight if I was an actress and had to play a role where you're supposed to be 40 lbs lighter, but weight has nothing to do with my career. Even when I was signing a contract, most of the industry knew if anyone ever dared say lose weight to me, they wouldn't be working with me.
I know how long it took me to lose my weight, and people have got to understand it?s not always easy. If all this can help one child, we are doing our job.
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